one more time

Our beginning is nothing but toxic.

Our anatomies pull toward one another, fighting the urging force of our deadly past until our breaths align and our eyes lock together by the key of our fates. We later only realize that our attraction was merely a curse and not a blessing. You are pent-up in your haze to sense the flames that kept rising around us.

However, I notice it just as fast as your lips come brushing against mine, and the flames not only flail the deadly red flag in front of my eyes, but it burns my skin with its perilous meaning.

You're laying still on cold snow which makes my heart stir with different emotions. The snow falls down on our aching limbs and our heisted souls. It's so cold, so cold, and I can't seem to find a way to lessen the pain that is blazing out of my body. I want to scream, but I'm too shocked with everything around us to speak of the things that ponder my mind. My eyes hurt - they might be bloodshot for all I know- and I doubt it's because of their dryness alone.

I press my palm on your gelid almost blue cheek, causing a soft whimper to escape. Never have I felt anything like this before. You look so fragile and naive, too innocent for the bitterness that came bearing your life. The adrenaline that rushes through my veins set an unpleasant thought in my mind that leaves me rather unstable.

It's my fault. It's my fault.

I let my eyes flutter shut, soon to remember how it actually all began between us. It was the day before Christmas, and I had just gotten off work with a hot cup of coffee I took with me to keep me warm as I walked back home. You were in a rush - if I am not mistaken- with your phone held beside your right ear as you muttered in a hushed tone to the person on the other line. You probably didn't notice me as I walked up to you because the next thing we knew we collapsed into one another and my coffee fell onto your white silky shirt. Your blond hair was playing with the wind, just like our deadly flames, and your eyes held nothing but amusement.

I freaked out of course, and before I even knew it my hands shot up to your shirt as if my touch could remove the chaos I had made. You were smiling down at me, and I was such a fool, such a fool for you. But then I looked up, and froze, I hadn't seen anyone like you before, and you probably have never noticed anyone like me either. It all started then, the beating of one's pure heart, our sweet laughter and the misfortunes of coffees.

We got along just fine from that day, as a matter of fact, you were too thankful to see me on Christmas at a bakery near my home. You took a seat next to me and talked until your heart swelled with nothing but joy. Then, when we weren't prepared for it, things started spilling. You were to find out that I never had a Christmas, which took you by surprise. You didn't know back then that my parents were pure Arab, and that I was left in America with nothing but a mourning mother by my side.

You loved Christmas, loved it so much that you jumped to the opportunity of introducing it to me. You took my hand and walked me to Central Park. They had a big Christmas tree there, all decorated with fancy ornaments that I probably could never afford, and a beautiful white angel on the very top. You made me sit down next to it with you beside me, and you started telling your tale. I listened, liking the rhythm of your sweet voice as you spoke with your blue eyes twinkling. I was always a sucker for blue, yes, your blue eyes.

You didn't know at that time, that you were slowly turning into my and very own angel. You were everything that I ever wished for, and maybe that was the reason it brought the end of me.

Christmas indeed brought us closer, but there came a moment in our history where it drove us apart too. The following year, on Christmas Eve, you decided to take me to your parents house for a family dinner. Being too oblivious about it, I agreed, hoping to find love from the family that gave me my world.

But just as excitement came rushing in, it left just as fast. Your mother was a great woman -or so what she claims to be- and always wanted the best for her very own son. The only problem was that she didn't like me, as a matter of fact she made me believe she hated me. She looked down at me, as if not having a degree was frowned upon. For who was a woman with nothing but mere pieces of memories to define her? She said when you weren't there to hear. But my dear you knew that I had dropped college for the sake of my mother who was laying sick on her deathbed. You knew she was the only thing I had, and probably the closest thing to being my family.

Unfortunately, she didn't know the secrets that were held inside me, or she might as well have. She made it clear that she didn't care about anything when it came to me. I was, after all, a girl who couldn't give you anything but love and the sacrifice of her own soul, which didn't seem to matter anymore.

After that night, I didn't see you for a month. Our hearts and minds too distant from the thoughts your mother had planted in us. I couldn't sleep properly for hours, days and who knows how long. Besides, we were parallel lines, and they were never meant to intersect.

It wasn't much later that I lost my family. I didn't cry, not until you came to the hospital wearing your black suit of sadness with you. I cried on your shoulder because everything was slipping away from me and you were the only thing holding me from losing myself. You were the only piece of reality that kept me sane.

I open my eyes when the wind blows on us. I reach out for you, my fingers slowly interlinking with your lifeless ones. The imprint of red dwells in my heart and all I hear is the sound of the shot being fired, robbing every plethora of happiness inside my heart.

It's all my fault. it's all my fault.

If it weren't for me, you'd be alive, safe and sound. If it weren't for me, you would have never taken the bullet that wasn't meant for you. If it weren't for me, your father would have never wanted to kill me in the first place. Our love was toxic, and it brought the end of us, my dear.

I'm soaked in blood-yours and mine- and my eyes start filling with the tears that I had been avoiding so much. My time is limited, just like yours now.

"Julian," I say my voice barely audible anymore. I'm fading away with the sun, disappearing so fast, and before I do, I take one last breath for the night. "We're going home this Christmas."

••••••••••

This is rather a short one-shot. I'm sorry it wasn't lengthy. Merry Christmas everyone and Happy New Year! This may be re-written again next year, and hopefully, it'll be much longer than this, probably 3.5k words and not 1.3k! I hope you enjoyed this and not hated it, oh my god!*lovely banner made by Zoe the bear

all the love,
siana