Dear Mother

Dear Ma

Dear Ma,

I'm writing to you about a topic that's very important to me, so I need you to understand and not think about anything else for the time that you're reading this. The reason I'm writing this in a letter is because we can't communicate in real life. I'd like you to read this whole letter properly without skipping any part of it until you reach the end before saying anything because that's the only way I'll be able to properly translate what I want to say to you.

I know I'm a troublesome child. I don't prioritize what I need to do, I don't listen to you and I don't help out around the house. I'm picky about my food and what I want, and I don't do what I have to. I argue with you a lot, I'm messy, etc. So let me address some of those things.

Yes, I'm rude to you and grandpa and grandma. I can see that it upsets you and them. Can't you see it breaks my heart as well? Has there ever been a time that I've been rude to you guys, and I've not regretted it? You probably don't know, but it hurts me a lot more when I hurt you. I hate disrespecting you guys. I hate being rude towards you guys, I hate yelling. But when you guys scold me too, every single thing I feel is wrong with my own life comes crumbling down onto me and I can't hold it in. I can't handle my own responsibilities, I'm fourteen and I can't do anything right. Thats a very depressing thought and I wish you guys would understand that it doesn't help at all to scold me 24/7. You're probably thinking, "if you'd just stop and start working on it, we wouldn't be scolding you so much." I honestly doubt so. You'd just find something else I'm doing wrong. Maybe not you, but grandma will. I know it's just the way she talks. But thirteen years have passed and I haven't gotten used to it and I probably never will. I wish you'd use a different tactic to motivate me to get my life going.

I want to do a lot of things, but a lot of things are stopping me. My lack of motivation being one of them. Sure, you can blame it on my laziness, but believe it or not, I actually want to help out around the house.

Believe it or not, I want to do well for my music.
Believe it or not, I want to do my work and be productive.
Believe it or not, I want to make something of my life.

I know I'm not doing it now. There's a reason for that. I might have depression. And my self diagnosed depression is stopping me from so many things I could've done with my life but I don't know how to get rid of it. How powerful can depression be? I don't know. The fact that I'm crying almost every single day because I can't handle life, that should be enough for you to pity me.

But it's not enough for you to understand how I feel or what I'm going through.

You know I hate going out. You think I'm just lazy. That's not the case.

I love to go out, I love seeing new places, I love spending time with you guys.

But I have social anxiety. It's too hard to explain, so I'd appreciate it if you took a few minutes of your time to look it up, see what it is, and digest what you've read. If you want to explore more on the topic, I'd love for you to. It'd make things much easier.

But that's basically the reason that's affecting me so much in daily life. It's hard living with social anxiety. You must have had the impression that I'm a social butterfly, with so many friends and such an outgoing personality. But it's just so hard to even begin speaking to them in the first place. It's a real feat when I finally gather the courage to talk to people. Children aren't so hard. That's why I'm good with them. But social anxiety is getting in the way of everything in my life, and I'd like for it to stop.

You must be thinking it's just a phase. Well, it's not. I've been pretty much feeling this way since primary school. I just didn't know what it was back then.

I genuinely hope you'll understand how big it is for me to tell you, and you'll accept my situation and maybe help me out. Isn't that what a mother is supposed to do?

Sometimes I think you love my brother more than you love me. Actually, most times I think you love him more. But deep down, I know that's not true. Right? Despite me being the tougher child to handle, the more high maintenance one, the one that's harder to please, I believe you have an endless supply of love to give. After all, you're the Superwoman that went through several months of pregnancy and then hours of painful labour twice, only for years and years of hardship after that.

I imagine you'd be in tears at this point. Was this letter intended for tears? Probably. I just want you to know that I love you as much as you love me (that might not be true. You can't ever compare a mother's love.)

This was supposed to be a letter written from the bottom of my heart. I hope it'll only create a tighter bond and bring us closer together.

Love,
Your Daughter