Anathema

The First Day Back

January 7, 2014 was the day winter break ended and I had to go back the hell hole they call school. My uncle offered to take me to school that day and I took his offer. On the way to school we stopped at a gas station and he bought me a little bowl of Apple Jacks and orange juice.
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As I arrived at school I could feel the knot in my stomach grow larger. But I walked through the front doors with a stone expression. I walked directly to my spot in the cafeteria but to my dismay, someone stole my spot. At first I was a bit angry but then it occurred to me that maybe they were someone like me.

I walked around aimlessly trying to find a new spot. It was still cold outside so I settled on the band room. I sat in a corner and read, I was not bothered. After a while the bell finally rang to go to first. As I walked to my class someone bumped into me and I dropped my book. At first I thought it was an accident but when I went to pick up my book someone stepped on my hand. A van sneaker covered in floral print lay on top of my hand.

I pulled my hand from underneath it and looked up to see my great friend, Ashley. I got up and she smirked but for the first time I actually stood up for myself, "What the fuck are you smiling at?" I kind of surprised myself. She looked around then fixed her gaze on me. "Oh, I hope you're not talking to me that way." She raised her voice at me but it backfired on her when her voice squeaked.

I smiled, "I'm definitely talking to you. bitch." I guess that was the last straw for her because she raised her hand to hit me. Those two years of karate definitely payed off, I blocked her swing and grabbed her shirt. I got in her face and said, "Come near me again and you'll definitely be sorry. Don't fucking talk about me, look at me, don't even think of me." The late bell rang and I let her go. As I walked away I said one last thing, "And I'd love to see you try to rat on me, the quietly little beast. No one will believe you."

She stood there in shock then started walking to her own class in the opposite direction.

I arrived to algebra as the last bell rang. I was marked tardy but I felt somewhat good today. I actually stood up for myself, that was something totally new. I wish I had a friend to tell at the time. The rest of the day was the same as any other school day. Until lunch, that is.

I went to my secluded spot so no one would bother me as I read a new book. I got about twenty pages in before someone disturbed me. He cleared his throat and I looked up at him. Straight into his deep blue eyes. "Can I help you Cameron?"

He looked down on me for a moment then sat across from me. I looked directly at him, I wasn't scared anymore. Why should I be? He wouldn't try something at school, in public. Would he? Who knows? I guess we'll find out.

I stared at him for an eternity before he finally said something. "I'm sorry about Ashley, she shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have let her." I simply shrug at his mediocre attempt at an apology. He continues, "I'm worried about you, Bliss. What happened over break?" I laughed, "Wouldn't you like to know."

For a moment I thought about telling him. I decided against telling him the whole story, I would be as vague as possible. "Well some things happened and long story short, I landed my sorry ass in the hospital." He looked genuinely worried, "What did you do? I know you were sad but not sad enough to to try to....you know.." His tone suggested the obvious and I confessed, "Oh yes, I tried Cameron. I tried to die, to off myself, commit suicide. No matter how you say it, it doesn't sound very pretty, does it?"

He looked shocked and very concerned. Maybe he should've been, I wasn't on medication anymore because my mom refused to refill the prescription, I was never even put in therapy. I wasn't getting any help and I'm still not.

He sighed, "Bliss I'm so sorry I--" I cut him off, "You're sorry you what? That you didn't stop until I screamed so loudly the neighbors might hear? That you got a bunch of people to call me a whore and a slut? That you only wanted to fuck me? Sorry that you made me believe someone cared about me? That you basically turned me into a self mutilating waste on life? What are you fucking sorry for?"

And he did the unthinkable. He started crying in front of me. Kept repeating, "Sorry, sorry, I love you, I'm sorry" beneath his sobs. I was baffled, I could hardly believe he was crying. It just made me even more angry. "Oh, you're sorry. You're sorry! Sorry doesn't even come close! And shut the fuck up, you don't love me. You never did."

At this point he wiped away his tears and looked at me. He just stared for a while, then he moved closer to me. So close that his face was a mere few inches away from mine. He quickly leaned in before I could protest and his lips crashed into mine. I started to panic and I tried to scream but he pushed me into the wall. I struggled to overpower him and when I realized I couldn't I bit his lower lip hard enough for blood to run. When his disgusting lips were off of mine I screamed. He put his hand over my mouth and I bit that too. I lifted my knee to see exactly where in might hit, as luck would have in my knee was in the perfect position. I kneed him directly in the crotch, he had to let go.

I got up, grabbed my things and decided to do one last thing. I found his phone, deleted me as a contact, deleted the thread of texts between us, then dropped his phone on the ground in front of him. It was a Nokia so it didn't matter but I wanted to make a statement.

Before walking away I said, "And don't get any crazy ideas about telling people I attacked you because don't forget, you aren't so innocent."

The rest of the day was just perfect really. I finally stood up to my bullies. I was on top of the world. Quietly on top of the world. But even then, I was still a bit sad I didn't have a friend to tell any of this to.