These Are My Confessions

Abuse

UGLY...

This word I throw around often describing myself. You'd ask; "Why would she call herself this?" "What exactly makes her feel this way?". Well I can't particularly answer this question in a way that makes sense. Its not because I'm illiterate or that I'm not exactly that comfortable talking about it. The point is I'm writing this to let the readers kind of help me answer these questions I don't know how to answer.

...

I was always the kind of kid that was very imaginative. As a child, I used to sit and watch the stars on TV and daydream that they where me at the small age of 3. Id always play with my barbies and act like I was a star, but even then I felt I wasn't good enough, not because I wasn't talented or because I was dumb, more because I didn't feel light skinned enough, I didnt feel lucky enough, and at this severely young age I felt like I wasn't supported enough or that anyone of my parents would help me out with such a big dream.

I didn't exactly live in a healty and structured home as a child. I was often abused physically, mentally, emotionally, and any and every other way possible. Beaten, threatened, criticized by my stepmother. I was only a few years old at the time. I remember one time... I had to have been 3 or 4 years of age. She accused me of stealing and hiding her jewelry so she beat me and told me she was going to take me to the woods and throw me in a wood chipper. She put me in a lawn bag and forced my brothers and sisters to tape it shut. She then poked holes in it so I wouldn't suffocate while I was STILL INSIDE. They picked me up and threw me in her trunk. She then drove to the end of the driveway to scare me. I cried.... I screamed for my dad..... I screamed for my mom and no one came. Imagine how this would damage a mind of a 3 year old child.

Another time she tapped me to a wooden chair and tapped my mouth shut then put me in a closet. She left me there for hours, no food, no water, just a lost soul stuck in a dark closet cold and again crying for her parents but muffled by the tape that covered her mouth. There are litterally many events of abuse like this throught my life as a toddler but these are the ones I remember distinctively. It was worse to know that your father, grandmother, aunt and almost everyone else pretty much knew what was going on and did absolutely NOTHING to help. I felt like a minority, but what other choice did I have. Its not like I saw Beyoncé getting beat so I felt that that lifestyle wasn't suited for me. I thought I had to be beaten, I had to be ugly and worthless and everything else wrong... I thought something was wrong with me but that was what was engraved inside my little child brain, that was all I knew at least for myself.