God Only Knows

Ch. 1

"Hey sexy"

Men walk behind me on the crowded dimly lit sidewalks of L.A. whistling, shouting cat calls and revving their truck engines.

I walk faster, turning up the volume of my headphones, pulling up my hood and weaving between the crowd of random strangers. Some acknowledge and let me pass, uttering a slightly annoyed, slightly understanding "I'm sorry" as if they can read what s going on. Nobody knows, nobody cares.

Please go away the thoughts of just running to a random,highway bridge and jumping start to spin and resurface after being nonexistent for months. Knowing what could happen if I choose this path, and how it would affect my support system is ehat keeps me going. My body is always on high alert since dad started bringing his friends over, which I know it shouldn't be, but I have to be.

I shiver, goosebumps flaring over my entire body but keep walking, pulling my leather jacket tighter. Clicking on a song that always seems to calm the storm inside.

The same song that I first learnt to play on my youth leader's guitar, the same song I repeated over and over as my dad or Marcus raped me.

There is power that can break off every chain.

There is power that than empty out a grave

Mumbling the lyrics I walk up to the house, Dad has all but one light in the house off so I stumble up the worn concrete steps into the entry way and wait for the blow. I know it is ten minutes before curfew and typically that means a good hour or so of fighting, but surprisingly he doesn't hear me. I am able to slip upstairs to my room and start on my homework without him noticing.

My cellphone buzzes, and for once I am too entranced in my history book to notice. Then about a half hour later, Dad stumbles up the steps into the bathroom where he promptly spills his stomach contents. The entire upstairs reeks of alcohol, specifically Jack Daniel's. When finished spilling his guts, he wipes his mouth off on the towel and stumbles into my room, slurring " Amelia JoAnn!"

"Yes Dad?" I stand and look toward him submissively. Not letting him see the confused look on my face.

"I'm going out. I'll be back......." He belches and continues "later. Lock up if I don't get back. Marcus will be over in ten"

"okay, love you" I kiss his forehead and walk to my closet, trying to hold back the tears. Marcus is my father's friend that he thinks treats me like a porcelain doll, but in all reality Marcus assaults me until the bruising is so bad I feel as if a truck ran me over.

"Amelia. Marcus is Going to make sure-" he stumbles on the shag rug "make sure you don't leave..."

He stumbles out of my room, down the steps and out the door leaving me to dress for the day and get to class. Marcus arrives just as I am leaving.

Though I protest and try to get him off of me, he still manages to rip off my top and leather jacket. He is about to kick off his work jeans when I take my chance and run. I race to campus trying to think of who he meant by Amelia. Not wanting to notice the weight I have lost due to lack of money and lack of real food I also throws on my puffer jacket and my black uggs.

I walk to campus trying to wrap my
brain around who he meant. Maybe, just maybe he was referring to my birth mom, all I can do is hope.

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