Anyone But Me #girlxgirl

C6: Becoming Free

Heaving a sigh, I glance outside. Heat waves radiate down to the earth, and flowers welt in the bursts of sun. I guess that's what it's like here in Kansas. Basically in the center of the USA.

I guess I should confess that I'm trans to Zyana sometime soon. We did kind of just have a huge event. She did just tell me all of her secrets.

But she doesn't know any of mine. Well, that's not entirely true. She knows I'm adopted, but that's not exactly a secret. How could a black girl be born to two white parents? It just doesn't happen. I remember my mom filming her. What an idiot. My mom actually thinks she can talk reason into my sister by shoving a camera into her face and setting her off?? What even was she thinking?

"Emma," my mom's voice calls across the house. "Come out come out wherever you are..." she teases.

"Omigod, mom," I hear Emma's voice scream as I see her run out into the hallway. "You should know that I'm not seven years old anymore. Jesus!!"

"Well, you might as well be," she yells. "You should be in college by now. You're twenty years old. What are you doing still in my basement??"

"Yeah, Emma, you really shouldn't still be in mom's basement. You're twenty, and old enough to have a fiancé. A male one, of course."

"I can't believe that you're telling me to face reality or whatever you think you're saying when your other daughter thinks she's a boy!"

They turn to me, through my cracked open door.

I climb down off my loft, stepping up to the door and shutting it. "Bye now," I say through the closed door.

"Brae, that's really rude to me," my mom says. I hear Emma and Noah walking up the stairs. "And this is a problem. They shouldn't have brought it up, but it's a problem."

"Yuh huh, totally listening," I say softly, putting my headphones over my ears.

"Brae, you're a girl, and I don't think it's healthy for you to constantly be wanting something you can't have."

"Mom, I don't think it's healthy for you to be obsessing over what gender I identify as," I say as the final thing before I turn my volume all the way up and sink into the music.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I dial Zyana's number.

"Hey Brae," Zyana says. "Why did you call me?"

"Because I need to tell you something," I reply.

"What?" She asks.

"I'm... trans. I want to be a boy."

Silence.

"I... um... see. So you're a girl?"

"Yeah. To be honest, what I want to be isn't exactly a boy. It's kind of agender. It's kind of my own thing."

"I see," she says, adding to the awkwardness.

"Sorry."

"S'okay."

"Still friends?" I confirm.

"Course," she replies. "Of course. I'm friends with Sky even though he's a boy," she says. "Sorry, I have to go."

"Bye," I reply.

She has boys as friends, but she's still lesbian.

So that means she won't ever love me back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shivering, I turn off my fan in my room. My room gets way too cold or way too hot really fast.

I can't believe my mom thinks it's dumb or a phase or something stupid. It's who I am. I'm trans, and I always have been. Just saying, that's one long phase.

I glance in the mirror, staring at my long hair. I hate it. I'm used to cutting my sister's hair, and my brother's hair. And my hair, a bit. My mom doesn't like to pay for haircuts and she doesn't like to cut hair, so I end up doing it.

I haven't cut my hair in a long time. I glance at the scissors, wondering if I should do what I think I should do. If I should cut my hair short.

Oh what the heck, I think. I pick up my scissors and start slicing lock after lock off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I run my hands through my hair, glancing at the water running down my body in the shower. It's about as short as my brother's, except super curly.

I step out, grabbing my white towel and drying myself off. I look at my reflection in the mirror. It stares back at me, it's lips smiling when I smile.

For once in my life, I kind of like the reflection that stares back at me.

Drying my hair, I go to my phone and send a selfie to Zyana.

I'm free.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"YOU CUT YOUR HAIR??" my mom screams at me. "YOUR BEAUTIFUL HAIR..."

"Mom, calm down. It's my hair. Just chill."

"Chill???" she yells, freaking out. I grab my ears in an attempt to block out some of the sound. "Jesus!" she yells, stomping away.

And she thinks Emma and I are unreasonable?

"Nice hair," Noah jokes.

"Aw, thanks," I reply sarcastically.

After a small pause, he continues. "So it's who you really are? You really want to be a boy?" He asks.

"Yeah," I reply simply.

"K," he says. "I'm cool with that. I thought you weren't serious."

"I am," I say. "I have been for fourteen years. Fifteen in five days."

"You've wanted to be a boy since you were born?" He asks.

"Remember how I hated wearing dresses, even as a baby?" I question. He nods, smiling a bit. "There you go."

"You were an interesting child. Especially before you went to middle school. Shirtless basketball. Mom hated you for it."

"Embarrasses the neighbors, that's what she always said," I smile.

"Well, see you later," he says. "I'm off to Sara's house to apologize."

"Good luck," I say as he walks out of the door.

It's good to know that at least one person in this stupid house cares about me for who I am. And you know what? You know what happened today? You know what happened with a simple haircut?

I became something I've never been before.

I became free.