Where has my life been going ? ( JinRoss )

Feelings that remain unsaid . . .

         ------Jin's POV ----------

                        He leaned back in his chair and breathed in deeply. He stared blankly at his computer screen and released a shallow breath. His mind and heart were in a battle of emotions and thoughts. Where has my life been going? Jin asked himself. At the moment he was taking the path of sadness,  . .

           the path he felt forced to walk down. What was truly happening was, he fell in love with . . . . Ross . . . But Ross is most certainly straight, Jin thought with a tug of sadness. That whole Tiffany thing . . . sometimes I think it's more than a joke, thankfully, it's not.

        Ross didn't have a girlfriend, he was a free man.

                     A smile tugged at Jin's lips. The amazing friend he loved so dearly . . . his mind branched into many paths of happy memories he had shared with Ross. Making videos with him, the Jun an Rut series being his most recent work, playing 'Hot Date' with him, and he swore his heart skipped a beat when Ross said "I was just excited for our date".

     Jin sighed at the happy memories. All he wanted to do was escape his sad reality- where his feelings were bottled up within, and instead step into a world with Ross feeling the same. No doubts. He let his imagination go wild, escaping his depressing life. His office changed as Jin fantasized. His office was now the outdoors, it was a wintery season. Snow fell fast and slow , changing falling speeds rapidly. The wind sent chills down his spine and sent his hair into a slight twirl. Though, the cold hit him hard, all he felt was warm. He had looked to his left to see his friend, Ross, trudging through the snow with eyes filled with child-like wonder. They held each other's mitten-covered hands as they stepped. Jin glanced at his best friend who had stopped in attempts to catch a snowflake with his tongue, he had failed. Ross then turned to look at Jin with a small smile before starting to trudge along again . . .

                   Jin's mind then awoke, back to the sadness. He exhaled and watched to see if his breath would be visible and swirl about in front of him. It didn't. He wasn't in his winter wonderland with Ross, he was in a sticky situation. He would give anything to tell Ross how he felt, he would give anything for Ross to return that feeling. Yet, at the same time, he was amazed he had been able to conceal the truth for so long. No one would've suspected a thing, even if he said it outright. They would know not to take him seriously. While Ross, on the other hand, would probably roll with it, not taking the truth as an actual truth an instead, taking it as a joke.

           Though, as much as he'd love to think about Ross, he had to think about the situation at hand. What would he do? Stand aside, the truth bottled up inside, never expressing his feelings? This was obviously not the right answer. But what was? He considered, What if I told Ross, . . . t-today? Though, he was very afraid to, he knew he would have to tell him eventually. If not now.

                            He took in a deep breath as he tried to muster up the courage to confront his friend, his crush. But he exhaled a sad sigh. It's no use . . . Jin told himself. Ross . . . h-he would never feel the same . . . h-he just wouldn't understand. As this thought entered his mind, a wave of doubt washed over him, lowering his confidence even more, if he had any to begin with. Jin glanced at his arm, not a scratch. Though, he'd be lying if he said the thought hadn't crossed his mind. He looked around for a sharp object, the only thing nearest being a ball-point pen. He sighed, I won't do it anyway . . . and besides, that pen would only draw a black line . . . . not red.

     WHY? Why can't I just tell Ross? Why can't I be strong enough to tell him? Where have I been going all my life? I should be with Ross. Holding hands, . . . and playing in the snow with him . . .  wrapping my arms around him . . . I-I . . . I need him in my life. I can't walk alone . . . Jin thought with a small rise of hope within himself.

        (SORRY IF THIS SEEMED SHORT I'M WRITING BASED OFF WHAT I WROTE IN MY NOTEBOOK. YES I HAVE A NOTEBOOK WHERE I WRITE FANFIC. DON'T JUDGE.)