her

Friends

     When we first started talking, I was still in another relationship. And even though I loved McKinley, we fell out of love. In the last days of the relationship, I was getting a lot closer to Alexis than to McKinley, and McKinley could feel it. I denied if I had feelings for Alexis though, because I didn't think I did yet.
 

    Then, about a week later, I figured out my feelings for Alexis by talking to her stepsister, one of my close friends Leah, and realized that I would be happier with Alexis than I was with McKinley. McKinley and I never got to see each other because her parents absolutely despised me, and so I had to do it over text. I texted McKinley a break up text, and right after asked Alexis out.

     That was December 2nd, 2015.

On the 10th, we met each other in person for the first time. I was at my orchestra concert, and I was all dressed up and felt silly. The whole time I was playing my cello the closest to the audience, all I could think about was that she was in the audience.

     The first time I went to her house, I had gone home with Leah, and was so nervous I could barely say a word, but I couldn't stop looking at her. And I also couldn't stop thinking about what she thought of me.

     Some back story about me:

     I'm transgender. Female to male. And I'm not going to get into it, but I am going to say that my family isn't a big fan, so I'm not able to really transition at all. I'm not able to bind my chest, or get male clothes, so I have to make do with what I've got. Which isn't a lot, but it is what it is.

     Anyway, I'm not very confident with what I look like and everything.

     So, the whole time I was at her house and really meeting her for the first time aside from the orchestra concert, I could hardly talk to her, touch her, and would blush whenever we made eye contact. And we were already in a relationship. I was so nervous the whole time. Leah got so mad, finally she said, "Let's go watch a movie in our room." And so we all went into Alexis' and Leah's room, turned down the lights, laid down on the bed, and turned on a scary movie. Now, I could feel my heart everywhere; in my chest, in my fingers, in my eyelids, in my stomach. At first Alexis and I were on opposite sides of the bed, with Leah between us. Then, out of nowhere, on my own accord, I grabbed Alexis' hand and pulled her down to lay next to me. Right after I got all nervous again, but was going with it, because I finally did something.

     So we laid like that for a while, hand in hand, watching some movie I don't remember. And all of a sudden, Leah starts taking pictures of us. And so we both get all nervous, me especially because I was already at like an 11/10. Then Leah says, "Kiss. Just for one picture, do it." Knowing Leah, she wouldn't stop until we do. So, I sat up a little bit, and leaned in, and kissed her.

     It was not my best.

     And I knew that.

     So, I did something I didn't think I could do. I said, "Let's try that again."

     And I leaned in again, and it was better. And Leah got a picture, and Alexis' and I were actually cuddling, and there were fireworks going off in my brain, and all my nerve endings that were touching her were exploding, and the world was good.

     Then the movie ended, and I was still about as awkward as I could be, but it didn't matter because something happened. And we hung out, and talked, and laughed, and I sat down next to her, and the world was still good.

     The next day when I went back over there, it was her sister Dayja's birthday, and she was turning 9. And I felt like I was a part of the family, because I ate cake and sang happy birthday and watched her open presents. And then we just hung out more, and it was awkward again because I am unfortunately terrible at acting like a normal person. But when I went home, we were able to talk to each other, so at least something.

     Last time I went over, I had a plan. I was going to make a move. At least kiss her when it's not for a picture. And if we got further, well I wasn't going to stop it.

     Leah set it all up. She was babysitting, she closed the door, turned on a movie, and made sure I knew what to do. We got settled down, and then I was just waiting for the right time. And waiting. And waiting. The first time Leah came in, this was our dialogue after Alexis went to the bathroom.

     "Has anything happened?" Leah said.

     I blushed, and laid down on the bed.

     "WHAT WAS IT??"

     "NOTHING. I didn't even do anything."

     "Are you serious right now?"

     "Why wouldn't I be? I just can't do it."

     "Just go for it, dude. I'm serious. Say something, be like, 'hey Alexis,' and then lean in and kiss her."

     Then Alexis walked back in, and Leah walked out, and we settled down again, and this time I had a plan. So, I was waiting for a slow part in the movie to lean in. And then, after my heart was about to give out from beating too hard, I did it. I said, "Hey, Alexis," and she looked at me, and I looked at her, and I was leaning in... and she turned away. And everything exploded. I thought maybe I did something wrong, I had no idea, but I just kept watching the movie, and then Leah walked back in.

     "Did you do it?"

     "I tried."

     "What do you mean you tried? What could you possibly fuck up this time, Dylan?"

     "Well, I said the thing, and I leaned in, and she turned away, and then I died."

     "Oh my god."

     "That's what I thought."

     And then I had to go home, and I told Alexis about all of it, and I got so embarrassed.

     Today is December 26, and I won't see her again until new years. But, let's be hopeful, that I at least kiss her on midnight.