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Chapter One

                  

The letter came today.

It appeared next to my toast, brought by my owl. I didn't want to open it. I knew what it said. I'd been expecting it for weeks, ever since he'd gotten sick. I'd just been denying the facts.

But that didn't stop the tears from falling, didn't stop them from them making little ripples on the surface of my pumpkin juice.

I bent my head over, trying to conceal the fact that I was crying. I pushed the bench back and stood up. Sirius saw my face.

"James...?"

But I shook my head and slowly trudged up the rows of tables and out of the Great Hall, my shoulders shaking from suppressed sobs.

There was no one else in Gryffindor tower. They were all down at breakfast. I shut the door of the boys' dormitory and slowly sank down to the floor.

I stared at the envelope in my hand. My mother's neat handwriting lined the front, addressing it to me. I slowly turned the envelope over, tore it open, and pulled the sheet of paper out. In paper dotted with tears it read:

Dear James,

I know this is hard for you. It's hard for me too. But we both knew it was going to happen, ever since he was infected with dragon pox. I'm really sorry.

Your father died last night at St. Mungo's. They say it was quick and painless, and when I talked to him an hour before his death he looked at peace, as if he'd already accepted his fate. His funeral will be in a week, and you'll miss school for a few days. I'm sorry. I love you.

Love, Mum.

I just kept staring at the letter, my tears blotting the words until I could hardly read them. Your father died last night. Those words kept circling around in my head, intertwined with memories.

The time he gave me my first broomstick when I was three years old.

His big contagious laugh whenever I told him a joke.

The way we would play quidditch together when school got out.

I tried to picture his face. His big brown eyes. The black hair I inherited from him. His not-so-skinny stomach that came from eating all the chocolate I brought him.

I remembered specific things about him. Events. He would give me quidditch lessons in the backyard, laughing when I got a goal past him, then reminding me to keep my elbows up as I threw. We went to the Quidditch World Cup together once. He spent the whole time yelling advice to the players, telling me it was a leftover habit from his quidditch coaching days.

Or later, when I started becoming infatuated with Lily. He would give his great booming laugh whenever I started talking about her, but he would then settle down and take me seriously. He would give me advice on what to try, what to do. He had called himself a "love expert" because my mother had once told him that it was love at first sight between them. Probably a mistake.

I loved him so much. And now he's gone. And I will never get to hear his laugh again, or watch his face light up whenever I brought him his favorite sweets from Honeydukes. I will never get to see the pride fill his face when I win a quidditch game, or feel the compassion that seemed to emanate from him when I told him my problems. I had never realized exactly how important he was to me until he was gone.

I slowly got up off the floor and walked over to my bed. I gently set the letter down on my nightstand, flung my glasses to the side, and threw myself down on the bed. I started sobbing. Deep, ugly sobs. So loud that I didn't hear his footsteps until I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"James?" Sirius must have come looking for me after breakfast. I turned away from him and buried my face in my pillow.

"Go away," I muttered, trying to block him out.

"James, what happened?" Sirius sounded genuinely concerned. I just motioned to the letter. I heard him pick it up and read it. He gasped sharply halfway through it and looked up at me. I just turned away.

"I...I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything," I muttered. "And leave me alone." I could practically hear Sirius's exasperated expression at this.

"James, look at me." I shook my head, burrowing deeper into my pillow.

Sirius gently grabbed my shoulders and forced me away from my pillow. He then sat down with me on the bad.

"James, I know this is horrible for you. But it is going to be alright. I know how empty and fake those words sound. But it's true. You know, life's gonna keep going, the world's gonna keep spinning, and we're all going to move on."

I stifled a gasp. "I know."

"However," Sirius continued, "Your father was a great man. I only met him once or twice, but each time he made me laugh, even in situations where I wouldn't have laughed for anything. I think that we shouldn't try to forget him, but remember him. I guess what I'm trying to say is... don't grieve because he's gone. I mean, sure, it's always great to have a good cry. But then we should pick ourselves up and think about what he contributed to the world."

"Wow Sirius," I chuckled. "I didn't know you were so good with words."

He looked taken aback. "Neither did I!" I suppressed a watery laugh.

"James, what's your favorite memory of him?"

"Um..." I stared out the window, trying to hear his voice. It was already fading. "I don't know. He's—he was such an amazing person."

Sirius agreed with me, and continued.

"I remember one night my parents were being particularly unbearable. My father in particular. He had beaten me that night and I just wanted to escape. I remember sneaking out my window, trying to think of somewhere to go. It was two in the morning, and I ended up at your place. Your dad opened the door for me in his dressing gown. Merlin, I must have looked awful.  My ribs were busted, and my nose was bleeding. I was invited in, and while your mum went to wake you up, your dad stayed and told me a joke. I don't remember what it was, but I started laughing. That's how you found me, leaning against the wall and grinning. Why would I have laughed in that situation? I don't know. I guess he had a way of turning any situation into a good one, regardless of what it was."

I just nodded. Sirius and I stayed there for half an hour, just talking. Remus and Peter came upstairs, and Sirius explained it to them, with me staring at the floor the whole time. They comforted me, and went through the same thing.

Remus then spoke up. "Hey, why don't we go down to the kitchens? I don't think you finished breakfast, and I know chocolate always cheers me up."

I nodded. "Yeah, let's go.

I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, so at the bottom of the stairs I bumped into Lily Evans, nearly knocking her over.

"Potter! Watch where you're going!" she snapped. I was no longer crying, but she took in my red-rimmed eyes and the tear stains on my cheeks. Her gaze softened. "Potter?"

I ignored her and pushed past, Sirius and Peter in suit. Lily glanced up at Remus questioningly, but he just shook his head and moved on.

She would find out eventually.

A/N: There you go! The next chapter will (hopefully) have more Lily. This is probably going to end up being a short story, a few chapters long.

Also, I don't know what year Sirius moved in with the Potters, so let's just say this is set before he does. I've always kind of thought that James didn't grow up for Lily, like some people think. He didn't change for her. I thought that maybe he grew up when his family grew smaller, realizing that he couldn't always be the immature prankster that he'd been acting like.

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