‘It’s not about losing the memories but gaining the strength to let go.’- Jessica Leal
The pain due to grasping the receiver to my ear way too hard was ignored by my brain that was already facing enough pain that the mere words flowing through the phone caused. Tears began to well up in my eyes. I tried my best to force them against flowing down my face. This simple act stung my eyes as my tears fought their way through my eyelids. A burning fire flamed up inside of me and I clasped my hand over my mouth to stop the excruciating wail, which would confirm the reality of this event, from escaping. Although muffled, it managed to slither through my fingers and bring hell upon the room around me. That’s when I lost control of myself. My legs wobbled and gave away from under me, landing the rest of my body with a thud on the cold, hard ground. The phone landed a few feet ahead of me and later I noticed that the screen was shattered. Loud, agonizing sirens wailed relentlessly in my head but they were nothing compared to the screams that escaped my mouth. I never knew that my voice had the potential to be that piercingly lurid. The calm air that surrounded me a few minutes ago was stabbed and stained for what felt like forever. Every tear that flowed in streams down my face ripped apart any happiness that ever existed in me. The agony of my heart made me feel like it was slowly dying away which would lead to my own death but that didn’t distress me. What I feared most had already happened and there was no use of living if I had to carry on the pain of it forever.
The room around me began to darken. I had hit my head hard as I had collapsed and I simply let the darkness of passing out annex me. Suddenly, amidst the darkness I saw a thin silvery line draw an image in front of me. It was of two little girls of an age around eight pointing spray cans at each other… my oldest memory:
I run to open the door and greet whoever it is with my birthday smile. I have just turned eight today and feel heavenly. As I open the door, I see it’s her! She holds out a spray can while holding another in her hands, giving me a sly smile. As soon as I grab the spray, she runs and hides behind the staircase outside my door, and says in a voice transformed to seem like she is at battle, “prepare to die, enemy!” With this, she sprays a stream of fake snow at me and runs away giggling. I set off after her laughing and spraying to my heart’s content. After a lot of running she corners me. I squeal and plea through giggles to let me go. She smiles her dimpled, heart melting, perfect smile and turns towards the wall on her right. Aiming her spray at the wall she writes the first letter of my name….
My surroundings started to materialize again. I gathered myself, still sobbing, and leaned against the wall. This undemanding task took all energy out of me as my body seemed to weigh a ton. Heaving a deep sigh I put my hand inside my shirt and pulled out the locket that lay on my heart. Opening it I saw a picture of her sitting next to me on the grass. I was lost in the book on my lap while she smiled at the camera….
The wind ruffles my hair against my forehead as I try to learn the meaning of a biological term assigned along with others by my ninth grade teacher. I feel someone’s gaze on me and look up to see her observing me, a hint of admiral in her eyes. A smile begins to tug at the corners of my mouth. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask her. She simply shrugs, passing me a hurt smile, and dropping a silver glistening locket in my lap she says “whichever picture of us together that you like best, stick it in here and always wear it around your neck so that I can be close to you even when I’m far, okay?”
I hadn’t understood what she had meant that day. As I sat with my head lying limp against the wall I remembered the thoughts of how she was crazy suggesting that we would ever be apart. A year later I understood what she had meant. I closed my eyes and wished that I had realized earlier.
“Let me get this straight… you have to move so that you can go to university because they don’t offer your field here?” I ask her petrified at the thought of having to spend not only a day but many without her. She nods her head in approval and sits upright in the driver’s seat of the car. In the passenger seat I moan and look away from her feeling betrayed. “Hey! We still have quite a few months before I leave… don’t worry I’ll keep coming back and trust me not a day would pass without us talking to each other, okay?” as she turns my face towards her I look into her eyes and she looks into mine… way deep into mine… clearly reading me inside out like a book.
‘That’s one thing that I loved about her’, I thought as I pulled myself up and steadied myself with the help of the cupboard next to me. I guess the ‘quite a few months’ went by a little too quickly and it was time for us to say goodbye, well temporarily, but it was hard enough.
‘No, I can’t let her go’, I think as I walk towards her at the airport. She gives me a sorrowful smile and opens her arms wide for a hug that she could most obviously tell that I needed. Without any hesitation I walk right into her embrace, resting my head on her shoulder, letting her warmth comfort me as I silently sob into her neck. Her hug is just as …full… as ever and I try to get the most of it as I wouldn’t be feeling that for a long time. She pulls away and looks me in the eye, holding my head in her hands and says, “Now, be strong my soldier”. Planting a kiss on my forehead, she picks up her luggage and walks through the doorway turning at the end to wave back at me trying hard to hide the tears glistening in her eyes. Then, she is gone…
That was the last that I had seen of her but had kept strong like she had told me to. ‘She was always far-sighted’, I thought as I pulled back my hair and tightened them in a ponytail,’ but I bet she didn’t see this coming’. Wiping the tears off my face I thought to myself ‘it’s not possible. That glorious smile that made your heart skip a beat, that marvelous way of always saying the right thing at the right time, that miraculous act of reading my thoughts and that hug that made even the worst of conditions feel alright, couldn’t just be gone… forever…’
