The Holiday Shoppers

What Kind of Shopper are You?

The Coupon Queen

Ahhh... the good ole Coupon Queen... you do NOT want to get stuck behind this lady on line. She is usually an older woman who wears jump suits and totes around a Coach bag she got for 50 bucks when it was originally $300. She is usually seen in department stores on the weekends tracking down that one item whose price she's been waiting for to drop for the past three months. In her bag you will find a Ziploc full of coupons from the twelve different coupon websites she's signed up on and the stores she hasn't shopped at in years. "But you never know when you'll need to buy a baby shower gift", she'll say if you ask why there is a Carter's coupon in her bag even though there are no babies in her family. This queen is spotted around the holidays scouting out the best deals and holding up lines while the cashier rings up the dozens of coupons.

The Last Minute Shopper

It is hilarious watching this person doing his or her shopping. It is a common misconception that the procrastinators of the holiday shopping are usually men, but I've seen my fair share of female last minute-ers. This person is the one who puts off all holiday preparations until the day before and ends up driving all around town looking for a gift for that one person whom you can never be sure of what they want. The Last Minute Shoppers are the ones who stop at the department store at three in the morning on Christmas Day wide eyed and foaming at the mouth. You'll know who procrastinated by the way their presents are misshapen and look as if they were wrapped only moments before in the backseat of a car.

The Holiday Over-Achiever

This is the person who thinks he or she is Santa and can do anything. And when I say anything, I mean: host a Christmas dinner for sixty people, bake five different kinds of cookies to give out to friends and neighbors, make cute gift baskets for the kids' teachers, agree to make the costumes for the church's Christmas pageant, host the party for after the pageant, and volunteer at the soup kitchen. If you see this person at the supermarket, they'll probably have at least twenty pounds of butter, fifteen pounds of sugar, and thirty bars of baking chocolate surrounding the biggest ham in the world. He or she will be buying food they'd never eat, but have to get because of course Aunt Betty is vegan and insists on tofu for dinner. Do not under any circumstances bother this type of person with petty problems around the holidays because he/she will scratch your eyeballs out.

The Online Shopper

This is the smart person who desperately avoids all humankind by doing their shopping online. He or she lounges around the house in pajamas with a mug of hot chocolate in hand while scrolling through Amazon on Cyber Monday. If you were to pass by a house of this type of person, you'd see stack upon stack of boxes piled in front of the door. The only downside to this type of shopping is the high risk of getting robbed of the gifts on his/her front porch. Oh and also, no matter how much he/she doesn't want to, they're gonna end up making a trip to the lunatic-packed store to return a damaged gift.

The Shopping Connoisseur

Shopping online? I think not! This shopper must go out into the stores to touch, look at, and smell each item they purchase. He or she must get only the best gift for the mailman. There must be no scratches, tears, or holes on any of his/her presents. If something were to slip his/her eye in the store and he/she brought the item home... it would be like the end of the world. They will drop everything, get back in the car, and maneuver their way through the traffic so they can stand in customer service and lecture the poor eighteen year old (who is trying so hard to be of help) on how impertinent it is to sell defected items. If you see this person- run the other way.

The Bull

The Bull is usually a crazed lady who has no care for the safety of others and will plow you down if you're in her way. Don't stand in front of the door busters cuz she will shove you over while tossing you a dirty look. *Why are you standing in the middle of the aisle? Here she comes! Look out! Splat.* And don't even get me started on how she drives on the road. If you're going a couple of miles under the speed limit, she will jump you just so she can be the first one on line at the toy store. She also has no problem stealing the last Barbie from a three year old. If you see this person... well... I fear for your life.

The Clueless Male

You thought watching The Last Minute Shopper shop was funny? Try observing The Clueless Male. He could have all the time in the world to do holiday shopping and he'll still have no idea what to get people. "Would Aunt Betty like chocolate-bacon cookies or was she the vegan one?" He'll wonder as he tosses the cookies into the shopping cart, ignorant of the fact that when Betty opens that present all heck will break loose. He is unaware of the fact that his wife has been hinting for a Luke Bryan CD during the last few months and instead gets her a tie-dyed Snuggie. I fear also for his life when his wife gets through with the lecture that he never pays attention to her.

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So, did ya love this guide to the shoppers of the season? I apologize if it offended you in any way as it was not my intention to do so. I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope it was an enjoyable experience reading it. :)