Reticent (h.s fanfic, punk Harry)

Chapter 49

"I met her when I was in a new level of low in my life," his voice carried over. The blankets were thrown off his body because he kept complaining that it was hotter than hell in the room. I had turned off the portable heater plugged in the corner of his room and folded the blankets at the end of the bed.

"My mum's condition was not better-actually worse. She was highly depressed, and she kind of blamed herself over a lot of things. Like me, my sister not having the childhood she always dreamed her kids would have. I was angry I suppose back then, but I could never tell her. My love for her kind of overpowered my angry teen years." He sniffled. "Anyways, when I met her she was dating George, and I thought 'this is my chance to have something he holds dear to him'. George had everything; he had parents that loved him, he had loads of friends, and the coolest cars. Whatever," he rolled his eyes, wondering if he had momentarily gotten off topic-I don't think he had. Knowing what Harry had gone through, I could easily understand if he never forgot or forgave what George and his father had done. It saddened me to think he was at this stage, having so much unfinished, and nothing to do about it.

"I suppose I kind of led her on, tried to do whatever I could to win her over. She was falling for it. Louis did not like that-I mean he always bitched about her feelings and what not. I didn't care though, I could only think about George, and thinking about him made everything hazy when it came to her. So, we dated, and I always kind of shoved it in his face. I tried to make him hurt as much as I could, and I didn't realize that she would get hurt through that, or that...I would feel more for her than what I was thinking of her. I guess I faked it, and then felt it. I mean, it was hard not to like her, I suppose. She always bought my mom make up, and she took her out a lot too. Took out Gemma a few times as well. She was making them so happy, that it was hard to continue to use her." He looked down and shrugged as if he was having his own conversation in his own head. "Sometimes, she would just show us with all these toys for Gemma, and food sometimes. At first, I somewhat hated her for it; it made me feel like I wasn't doing enough for my family, and we were eating from her pocket. I told her to stop a few times, had fights, until one day she just kind of blew up in my face and asked me what was so bad about being nice to my mother and my sister. She told me that as much as I thought low of myself, she didn't, and that money meant hardly anything to her. She'd always had it, so what was so bad about wanting to spend it for good. While I started developing feelings for her, she fell in love with my mother and Gemma. Even after that I wanted her to stop, but I stepped back and saw how happy...stable it was with my family. We weren't scrounging for food anymore. And I guess, while she helped, I saw that I began to have feelings for her outside of being fond of her, or being thankful. I saw that I had started to...fall in love with her. I became closer to her, I started opening up to her. I fell so madly in love with her. I always invited her over, and I always told my mum everything about her. I mean.." his voice faded off.

"But, one day, George went to her and told her about me, about how he was my half-brother, about my wanting to have everything he had. He made it seem as if I were some sick person out for revenge. And I realized that at the beginning I was. I wanted revenge from George, I wanted him to feel what I felt. And I forgot-I forgot that he was there and knew everything momentarily. I forgot he wanted the same for me, to feel just as low as I wanted him to feel. And so he confronted me about it and told me that she would leave me. We were in that terrible trailer that my mother and I called home. She yelled at me, told me that I was that worst person she had ever met. That I was beyond petty. I didn't want her to leave. I didn't want that feeling to go away. So I-I tried to," he took a moment to breathe. "I tried to kill myself, I knew life had been unfair to me, I was trying to get back at it somehow, I suppose. And I thought killing myself was somehow the answer back them, because I thought I had lost all semblance of happiness. I saw that my mother was dying, that my younger sister had nothing to eat other than scraps, and I, the man of the family was relying on a woman who was now leaving me. Life seemed like absolute crap to me. I thought what had the universe or God ever done for me?" A stricken gloom look crossed his face, eye lids sunken down, lips void of their usual red haze. "She came back to listen to my side of the story, and saw me on the ground. I-I" a guilt ridden mumble escaped his mouth. I have never seen Harry look so humiliated. "I drank bleach. She found me, called Louis became hysterical." he listed. "They took me to the hospital, and I learnt that after that Bailey moved away with her parents. I wasn't myself for some time. I sat there in the hospital with the realization that I had almost left my mother and sister to fend for themselves, because" a chuckle left his lips. "Because I felt sorry for myself. I could not look in my mother's eyes for weeks after that. But, she taught me to forget, and I taught myself to forgive. We moved past it. And came here for our own fresh start."

What was someone to do after that? I could not yell at Harry for not telling me sooner; he clearly had enough on his plate. And I could not simply let it swift away because I knew it would eat at my insides.

"Do you still love her?"

"No," he spoke. "Yes," he corrected, eyebrows drawn together, a look of hurt, of nostalgia, and guilt filled him. "I loved her in my own way to justify my own depressed thoughts. And I love you, Ophelia. I have loved you from the start. I did not play any games. I wanted nothing more than to stay with you." Green eyes bored into mine, a twinkle I had not seen in some time. "Seeing you, having you near me is more than I could ever ask for."

My fingers brushed back the dark hair matted to his forehead. "Go to sleep, Harry." I pulled one blanket up to his chin. "I love you."

***

There was a snow storm raging outside, and I could hear the rattling of the old window and doors. Louis, Connie and Bailey had left, Louis telling them Harry and I need this time. A small lake of snow had gathered just inside of the window sill, where Blondie made a leap to sit and lick at it. She sat for quite some time then with steady feet, walked over to where the pots of plants were, sniffing, playing, just rolling around. Around the counter, Harry stood, looking quite tired, a throw blanket over his shoulders.

An old pair of sweats and a band t-shirt hugged his body while he watered the plants.

"How long do you think they'll survive?" I decided to ask him. I just wanted this dreaded silence to stop between us. I was not sure if it radiated between us because Harry had just shared something so intimate about his past, or if he thought I was angry.

I wanted to be angry-I am sure I would have been had it not been the circumstances that we were in now.

"Not long," he spoke desolate. "They die every winter no matter how much my mother tried. And they'll die now no matter how much I try." his eyes focused on me. A sad smile stretching his face. "You can never keep these things alive for too long. Sooner or later they'll wilt away."

Large fingers brushed over the petals. "I do love you, Ophelia. I don't want your last memory of me to be clouded with Bailey. I've loved three women in my entire life; my mother, Bailey, and you. And I'm sure, you'll find you next love as well. There's never a limit to it."

"I don't want this to be your last memory of me," I finally spoke from my spot on the couch. I took his hand and helped him towards the backyard. I helped him sit on the couch, wrapped the blanket properly around him and rushed to grab the book. "I bought it, but I haven't gotten a time to read it."

He took the book, smile still gracing his cracked lips. "Do you want me to read it?"

He nodded.

I opened to the first page. "It was a bright day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen."

I felt Harry lay his head on my shoulder, chest slowly rising up and down with each breath.

Lorraine <3