Finding Love On WattPad

I cringe as I feel the cold medal touch my skin, I press it down a little harder,a horizontal line of beaded crimson blood appears, in till it all slides down my forearm, that's my 5th cut today.

"I'm so pathetic", I say putting down my razor, I grab a napkin and apply a alcohol,I dab it gently and hiss.

After cleaning the cuts I get up, and go to my room, white Christmas lights surround my room, posters of my favorite bands and some of my own photography are taped on my wall.

I gently roll down my sweater and walk to my window, frost is growing faster then time itself,

it's the first day of winter.

As a kid I use to love the first day of winter, me and my mom used to play outside, we'd make snowflake's and snow angels, but now she's a angel herself.

I feel a tear drop slide down my cheek, the cold winter air makes it colder then it really should be.

But now winter just brings sad memories that should have left a long time ago, memories I wish I could forget.

*Flash back*

"Mom y-your going to be okay right ?" I ask stuttering with every word I say, she shakes her head sadly. The IV connected to her wrist makes it hard for her move.

"Jay, remember that I love you, but when Im gone that doesn't mean I'm not watching you, I love you so much, dad will watch over you, he'll love you just as much as I do, take care of your self, don't cry my love" she says hoarsely, as she tugs on my hand.

I nod and force a smile, she gestures me to lower my head, I do as she says obediently, she puts her lips next to my ear and whispers " There's a box under the floorboard in your closet,it has numbers and a lot of money in it, if you ever need to leave use it, or if you have to go with friends just use that okay ? And don't let any one hurt you, just because your gay doesn't mean your different from everybody else believe in your self, because your an amazing son" she whispered

I nod and stood back up, " I-I love y-you mom" I say staring at her now fragile state. " I won't ever forget you" I whisper, she blows a kiss to me and her eyes descend.

I press the button and turn off her life support, why did they have to make me do it. Why did my mom die ? Why her she didn't do anything , she was a good person.

I sigh and walk out the room, the doctor pats me on the back and gives me a look of pity, I don't want pity I want my mother back.

*end of flashback*

I look at the houses and see family's playing with the snow. The kids faces shining bright, their cheeks red from the cold.Moms snapping pictures of their kids, but those kids are innocent they don't understand how life is.

I pull down the blinds and walk to a little area in my room, my favorite part in fact, it's just an area with a desk and my IMac.

I sigh and type http.Watt pad.com, the website I've been visiting for almost 2 years now. It's the site where I met some of my only friends.

' Did it again' I write down, this is the only place im able to open up, where people Won't judge me for my sexual orientation, this is the only place I can be myself.

I look up to the orange toolbar that I grown to love, '1 notification' I smile and click it.

'What happened ?' Says the text

I smile, and type a reply " I cut again", I press send and sit and wait.

' What made you want to do it my love?'