Man's Best Friend

This what I belive to be a much better version of Why Him? that I had posted a while ago. If you liked the other one more, please tell me..

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Numbness, that’s all I feel. A cold nothing that is deep within my blood. Not much has mattered these last few weeks. They’ve gone in a blur. The meaning of what is to take place on this would-be normal Tuesday will scar me forever. The truth of what is to happen in the next few moments has invaded my mind.  The shadow it has become is looming over me, waiting until it’s the right time to attack. These past 2 weeks have led up to 3 living beings in a small gray room with a silver medical table against the back corner. My dog, myself and the slightly graying dark haired man in a white lab coat with black pants.

The man is speaking. The combination of his robotic voice and the pointless words he’s saying makes my situation even more depressing. Doesn’t he care? Does he not know what is going to happen? Has he no feelings? I look at Bear, my dog and only family. He’s lying on the table with his paws stretched out towards the side. His mangy bronze fur isn’t as bright as the day I adopted him, but that’s what age does to you. His gigantic black eyes stare at me as he asks “What’s wrong master? Why does my chest hurt? Will you fix it?” I want to say “Nothing is wrong Bear. You don’t have to worry. I’ll make it better,” but I can’t. I don’t look at Bear again, I can’t. The man has finally shut his voice off.

“Are you ready?” he asks, his voice just as detached as before. Why is he asking me? Shouldn’t he be asking his patient? Ignoring my own questions, I nod. My voice has been gone for weeks. He fills a needle with a milky liquid.  It’s not your fault. There’s nothing you could have done. He won’t suffer after this. It’s the right thing to do. The thoughts come, but I absolutely refuse to listen to the parasites in my head. I finally meet Bear’s eyes. I want to remember this depressing moment for some nameless reason. I recognize the little spitfire I got at a pet store seventeen years ago on Main Street. He has that knowing look. Like that look of knowing without actually understanding anything, a mocking expression. How can he know what’s about to happen? How could he possibly know what crime is about to be committed? Even my wandering mind can’t block out his last questions. “Why master? What did I do wrong?”  The needle goes into his back leg. His eyes slide shut. His light snoring is the only sound in the room. I smile. This will be the last time I will hear it. My smile disappears. The man looks at me for conformation. I nod again as I stroke Bear’s fur. The man gets the next needle ready. My hand stops over Bear’s heart as he puts the needle in. I watch as my dog’s breathing slows and I feel his heart come to a stop. “Why master? What did I do wrong?” His last message echoes off into my head.

“You can pick up his ashes this Friday Mr. James. Have a nice day.” The man declares. He seems thankful. Monster! I walk out without a word. The drive home is silent. As are the next two hours spent sitting at my desk in my small apartment with my head in my hands, just thinking about Bear. Thinking of all the memories collected over the last 17 years of my life.

Evil thoughts begin to invade. Guilt starts to wash over me. What is this guilt for? I wonder. A snake-like voice answers. You killed him. No I didn’t! You signed the papers. So what? Would the vet have killed him if you hadn’t? He was in a lot of pain! What if he didn’t care about the pain? What if he just wanted to spend some more time with his master? Just one more moment to enjoy his short life? You know what getting older is like. What if he could’ve tolerated the pain? I hesitate.  I did kill him didn’t I? Yes you did, you pathetic excuse for a man.Why did I kill him? He loved me for me! He looked at me like I was a god! Yes he did. That’s why you have got to get a grip on yourself! Be the man Bear saw in you. How could I live up to those expectations? You could start by getting over him. You sound like a heart-broken high school girl. The voice fades away into the dark corners of my mind. Leaving me to consider the future.