Anyone But Me #girlxgirl

C8: Heartbreak

Zyana

Once again, Mary, Brae, Sky, Jay and I are in the coffee shop.

Glancing at Brae, I notice that she's eyeing me a bit. Jay is sitting especially close to her, her chair pushed out from the table in an effort to look even slightly like a rebel.

"So where do you live?" Sky asks her.

"Nearby," she says, pointing North. "I live like ten blocks that way," I she says.

"That's the edge of town," Mary snarls.

"That's right by where I live," Jay cuts in. Sky and I glance at each other. I know who basically everyone likes. Mary likes Jay, Jay likes Brae, I like Jay... if Brae likes me, it's a perfect love triangle, and I think she does.

"I have to go," I say.

"You're going East, right? I have to go to the mall, so I might as well come with you," Brae says. Olwen glances at her, smiling slightly.

"Um..." I pause. "Okay," I reply.

We leave, heading East towards the mall.

"So you like Jay?" she asks me.

I shrug. "I guess," I say, turning away shyly. "I've kinda liked her since before I met her," I start to explain. I remember Sky telling me about Jay, and the first time I met her. 

"How does that work?"

"Sky told me about her before I actually met her," I explain, darting under the shade of a tree. "I didn't actually have to go home," I tell her, "that was just an excuse to get away from Mary."

"Yeah, I can understand that," she says. There's a short pause. "Does anyone really like Mary?" she asks.

"Jay used to," I say. "And before that, she used to like me, I think." But after that, after she got over Mary, I thought she might like me again. But then you came along, I think. "Sometimes, I wonder if the whole Mary thing is to play with me. Sometimes, I wonder if everything she's done has been to play with me."

"Some people are like that," she says. "There was this one girl in England who knew I liked her, and she was perfect, or at least I thought, until she started spreading rumors about me when she found out."

"Who?" I ask.

"Olwen's ex-best friend," she says. "They ended their friendship when Olwen found out she was being mean to me about it, called her a bitch, and punched her in the face," she says as if it's nothing, but then a smile creeps up on her lips.

I really wish I had a friend like that. Sky betrayed me during that time, and so did Jay. They were my only friends, but now I have Brae and Olwen, too. Mary is kind of my enemy. In that stupid period of time in which I was trying to get over Jay, we would try to undermine each other's relationships with Jay. Olwen tarted spreading rumors about me spreading rumors about Jay (?) which was really annoying. Then I tried to tell Jay that Mary wasn't a good person, and she completely ignored me.

"Jay was my first major crush. I never loved anyone as much as her," I say.

"Do you not love her anymore?" Brae asks, raising her eyes to mine.

"Not as much as I did," I sigh. I can't believe what Jay has done, and I don't even know why she did it. "I never will love anyone as much as I loved Jay."

Brae's smile drops, and her face darkens a bit. "I have to go to the mall," she says.

"Brae, wait..." she hurries off down the sidewalk towards the mall. I slump down against the tree.

I wish she loved someone else. I love her, but I'm broken and I can't get better fast enough. I love her, but I love Jay more. If she loved anyone else, as long as they were lesbian, bi, or pan, they could love her so much better than I ever could.

What I meant was that I could never love someone as much as I loved Jay because I couldn't let myself or anyone get hurt again as much as I got hurt when Jay and Mary got together. I can't let myself do that to anyone, and I can't let anyone do that to me.

Never again.

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Brae

Wiping away my tears, I run through the mall to the grocery store. I can't let Zyana not loving me get in the way of getting food for dinner.

"I will never love anyone as much as I loved Jay," her voice rings in my ears. I can picture Jay's face, and I want to punch it, I want to kill it. I want to find her and make Zyana stop loving her. I want Zyana to be mine...

Tears are flowing down my face, and I lean against the wall on the outside of the grocery store, the sobs shaking my whole body. Pain. Enormous pain. Why won't she let herself love me? The first time we met in that coffee shop, she seemed to love me, she was flirting with me. She loved me then, I'm sure of it. Why else would she have flirted like that? "I don't do anything straight"... the way she responded instantly every time I texted her, the way she invited me to a party just hours after having met me, the way she blindly trusted me, the way she watched me with such fascination in her eyes when I played on that stage... everything she has done has lead me to this one moment. This isn't the first time I've been rejected, but every time before now, I've been able to distance myself from others. I've been able to get over it and not cry, every time before now. I've been able to distance myself from emotions, and from reality, every time before now.

How could she do this to me? Does she think she's protecting me? Maybe she thinks I don't like her? She has to know by now. Why would she want to protect me? Why would she be shy about it? Why?

Why would she say that she loves Jay if she knows that Jay loved Mary, and now loves me? I don't love Jay. I hate Jay for stealing her heart. I can't do anything, though, because if I hurt Jay, Zyana won't love me, and Jay won't either. But I don't want Jay to love me. I want her to love Mary. Why couldn't she just stay with Mary?

My eyes are drying out. I can't keep asking her if she loves anyone besides Jay, for she'll catch on or start feeling bad. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want anyone to experience the pain that I am experiencing right now.

This is pain that nobody should ever have to experience.