I relaxed on my couch, my outfit still in tact and my hair and makeup a bit messy, details of the MMVAs coming to mind. So many people, so many performances, so many awards – while the entire thing was overwhelming, the show was definitely a highlight of the year. And while I always looked forward to and loved picking out my outfit, talking to celebrities, and watching the crazy entrances and performances, there was always one thing that topped all of that (and, in reality, everything): seeing Josh.
I had already developed a little celebrity crush on Josh by the time I finally met Marianas Trench. He was sarcastic, funny, charming, creative, brilliant, and gorgeous. The second he walked into the room, it was like the world lit up a bit, and I could feel my heart speed up. Luckily, I kept it together, and Josh and I ended up hitting it off afterward. After tweeting back and forth, he finally gave me his number, as it was difficult to have a conversation when you could only use 140 characters per tweet. We began texting often, and somewhere in between the few times we saw each other and multiple times we talked, I realized that the celebrity crush had worn off. I definitely had a crush on Josh, simple as that.
So that night, when he flirted with me shamelessly, it was difficult not to respond. And I almost let him kiss me when he went in for it, before I realized that we were on camera and it was probably unprofessional and he most likely had a girl waiting for him back at his apartment. Thankfully, the camera angle hid our face, so only Josh could maybe see the way my eyes fluttered closed in anticipation before shooting back open in realization of what was about to occur. I crossed my fingers once he left, hoping he didn’t notice how my breathing hitched and feel the weakness behind my push.
I sighed. I would never have Josh the way he had me. He was an international recording artist, he had been nominated for a Grammy, he had gone on multiple headlining tours. I was a VJ who was lucky enough to meet him. He was Josh Ramsay – I was plain old Phoebe. Don’t get me wrong though; I loved myself, I loved my job, and I was comfortable with who I was. I was happy. But I would have given so much just to have Josh look at me the way I looked at him, even if just for a second.
I was distracted from my thoughts by three knocks on my door. I glanced at the clock, which read 2:03 am. I had hit some after parties and returned around 1:30 before the thinking set in, and I had been one of the last of my friends to ditch. Which could only mean that a friend was in trouble. I immediately jumped off the couch, nearly falling over in my heels, and rushed to the door, hoping nothing too drastic had happened. I yanked the door open without checking the peephole, and my breathing hitched for a second time that night as Josh’s tall figure was revealed.
“Josh? What are you doing here?” I asked incredulously. He had changed out of his outfit at the MMVAs and was dressed in his usual skinny jeans, button up, and tie. His hair stuck out in all the right places, and his eyeliner had almost melted away entirely. He looked sexy as hell, to say the least, and it took everything in me to not stand back and openly check him out.
“Hey,” he said, giving me a smile. “Mind if I come in? I can already tell my insomnia is going to fucking suck tonight. You know how it is.”
“Yeah, come on in!” I smiled back, stepping aside to let him in. He’d been here a few times before, but only to pick me up for a rare lunch date or something along those lines. “Do you want anything to eat or drink?” I asked, walking into the kitchen. “Water would be lovely right now, thank you,” he responded, sitting down on my couch. I grabbed a glass from the cupboard. “I know I didn’t really talk to you after, but your performance was great, as per usual,” I called out, turning my head to look at him. “It wasn’t that good, you don’t have to lie. I was tired as hell.” I finished filling up his cup and walked back. “Oh, shush. It was great. I’m sure the dancers didn’t help all too much either,” I chuckled, recalling the silly dance sequence that Nicole had choreographed. While the dancing was good, it was obvious that the added entertainment had cramped Josh’s style. He took a sip from the glass before chuckling himself. “That was… interesting.”
“You’re telling me.”
We sat in silence for a minute before I began wondering why he had showed up at MY apartment this late. “So, is there anything going on?” I asked, turning toward him. He looked up at me, startled from his thoughts. “I mean, you kind of just showed up at my apartment at 2 in the morning. Not that I mind, but…” I trailed off, hoping he’d take the conversation from there. “Oh, yeah, um, sorry about that. I was wide awake and…” He paused. “I just really wanted to see you.” He looked down at that last bit and wrung his hands nervously. I remained silent, willing him to go on. I’d never seen this side of Josh. He was always so boisterous and loud, unafraid to say what he was thinking and sarcastic when he wanted to be private for once. The Josh that was sitting on my couch was nervous, quiet, and uncomfortable.
“Look, Phoebe, I’m sorry about what happened tonight. I don’t know why I did that, clearly it made you uncomfortable, and I regret doing that to you.” My eyes widened, but I tried to hide the hurt in them. He regretted that? He didn’t know why he did that?
“Actually, you know what,” he started, the usual Josh coming back, “I am sorry I made you uncomfortable, but I really wanted to kiss you. I don’t know why I decided to go for it there, and I’m sorry for that too. But I’m not sorry for finally growing a pair.” I froze, and he finally looked up at me. “Phoebe, can I try something now?”
I looked down now. “Josh, I know you probably have a girl waiting for you at your home. And she’s probably asleep right now and is so proud of you, and I’m not going to get in the way of that.” I took a deep breath, realizing it was my turn to come clean. “You know I like you.” He looked like he was about to protest, but I cut him off. “No, don’t lie. You do. And if you felt the same, I know you would have said something by now. That’s who you are. But you haven’t, and… I’m not about to be a home wrecker. I’m not that kind of girl.”
His brow was furrowed in confusion. “And I’m not that kind of guy.” I matched his face. “If there were a girl in my bed right now, I wouldn’t be here. But I am. I do know, I have for awhile. But Pheebs – Pheebs, I’ve felt the same way too.” He looked at me for what felt like an eternity before brushing a small strand of hair out of my eyes. “You’re so gorgeous, you know that?” It was my turn to blush, but I couldn’t look away for long. His hand slipped from behind my ear to my chin, and my heart stopped beating as my eyes briefly looked up to lock with his.
Josh leaned in first, and I quickly followed suit. The kiss was slow and gentle and curious, and I attempted to remember every moment of it in case he pulled away and took everything back. But he didn’t. I felt myself leaning into him, my arms draping around his neck like they had been doing so for years. His hand moved from my chin to cup my face, and he used his other arm to pull me closer. It was all so natural, the way our bodies reacted to one another, and I felt myself smile. We broke apart, two pairs of blue eyes meeting as if it were the first time.
“So…” he started, a huge and crooked grin forming. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time,” I stated blatantly. There was no more beating around the bush. “As have I – hence why I attempted to, stupidly, earlier tonight.” I laughed at him. “Hey! You almost went for it too!” I stopped mid-laugh to look at him in horror. “Oh, you really thought I missed the way you closed your eyes and choked on air? You should know me better than that. It was cute, though.” Hearing that, I felt the embarrassment fade. After all, this was Josh – he embarrassed himself on a regular basis and took it in stride. Maybe I could learn from that.
After a few hours had passed, I looked up at him, our limbs tangled together in between the sheets of my bed. “Stay?” I asked, looking up at him. He smiled, kissing me softly as he rubbed circles along my back. “As long as you let me, my dear.”
