baggy jumpers and regrets // tronnor

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connor had always liked baggy jumpers, even before troye met him. that wasn't a big deal. baggy jumpers are cute, and they're comfortable, and there's nothing sinister about them.

he remembers connor was wearing one the first time they met. it was at a convention, playlist live, he thinks, or maybe it was vidcon. whichever it was, he remembers connor showing up at his hotel room the night before, and an oversized grey jumper, thick and warm and cosy, and it looked like a hug in an outfit. troye always loved when connor wore that jumper.

it kind of swamped the older boy, made him look tiny and vulnerable, but in the most attractive way. troye was totally crushing on connor for almost a year before the american came out.

con invited himself into troye's room, and troye remembers not caring, because they'd been fiends over twitter for months before this anyway. they ended up talking for hours, and despite the fact that they'd never met face to face before (skype doesn't count) they clicked straight away, as if they had grown up together, sneaking through each other's windows in the middle of the night to talk about philosophy and infinity and life and death and the universe.

they were never fans of small talk.

~

connor was wearing a baggy jumper the day he came out to troye. july 11th, 2014. it was about a week before con told his family, but a few months after he had admitted it to himself (and to tyler, the first person he told).

troye was in los angeles visiting friends, and he made every excuse he could to see connor while he was there. the night before he left, connor asked him to come over. when he turned up at the door, the older boy was in the same grey jumper he had been the first time they met. it seemed bigger on him than it had a year before, but troye didn't think anything of it. connor was deliberately trying to make himself as small as possible, scared of troye's reaction.

troye remembers that he practically collapsed onto the couch, nervously pulling his sleeves over his hands. he patted the space next to him, inviting troye to come and sit beside him. troye remembers the nerves, the way he tried to stop himself blushing because come on, it was connor, and he remembers looking into connor's eyes and feeling like he was being stabbed, because eyes so beautiful do not deserve to look so sad, so scared, so lost.

"i'm gay."

troye forgets the next bit. he knows he smashed his lips against connor's, but after that it becomes a blur.

~

troye remembers the first time connor held his hand, publicly. it was december 8th, 2014. connor's coming out video was officially on youtube.

troye knows connor, and he knows that staying in the house watching comments and tweets of both support and hate would have hurt the older boy. he knows connor only focuses on the bad.

so instead of letting his boyfriend sit in the apartment on his laptop, troye took him out for a walk. ("come on, l.a. is so pretty and i'm hardly ever here! show me around, con, please?") troye remembers that they had been walking around aimlessly for about 20 minutes when he felt a shaking hand snake into his own and interlock their fingers. when people looked at them, connor would just hold on tighter and mumble something about the weather.

troye remembers that connor avoided eye contact the whole time they were holding hands. but troye was proud- baby steps. he was less than a year out, even to himself, and troye never expected he would be confident enough to hold his boyfriend's hand in the street.