The Sob Stories of Lizzie Emerson (ON HOLD)

7

I remember the night when I was completely numb...

October 3 2014 2:45 PM

The scratchy fabric of my bed sheets start to fuse together from how mentally exhausted I am. It doesn't help to be on at least 4 different medications. One of them being a tranquilizer to help me sleep through my insomnia. 

If only my family can see how actually fucked up I am, and then they would finally understand why I cannot handle being tormented verbally. That just makes things worse. 

"You're a good for nothing junkie, Elizabeth! I raised you better than this, and you know it. Why must you treat us this way?!" My unbearably judgmental mother yelled at me when she saw the new track marks in the crease of my elbow. 

Johnny narrowed his eyes at my mother to not be so harsh towards me and spoke in a stern tone, "Liz I think you need to stop this, because at the rate you're going you might end up over dosing. I can't lose you, you're all I have left except dad."

"I can't lose you" echoed throughout my mind 24/7

Never in a million years would I think that I would miss being at home with my family, curled up in my bed under a thousand blankets. 

As I sat on the mattress one of the overnight nurses, Annie I think her name was, came by to check on me.

"How are you doing sweetheart?" she spoke to me in a sweet soft tone, I looked up at her with dark circles covering almost down to my cheekbones, which are peeking out just a little bit too much, and a doped out expression.

My pale chapped lips parted with slight confusion from the pet name she used, I could tell she was pitying me, I just knew it. This was all from the insane amount of medication they put me on, one pill counteracted the the other. Which made me feel lethargic and numb to anything and everything.

I didn't respond to her and it made her sigh and smile softly then leaving the cup of water and a paperback version of The Lord Of The Flies. My mind was reeling from the way she looked at me, like I was a child who scraped their knee from falling off a bike. 

I did not like this feeling, it made me feel small. 

After many sessions with Richard, I came to the conclusion that I had issues with self love and self loathing. I always felt torn between hating and loving when really I should feel content with myself.

There was this deep heart clenching feeling all the way down in my whole being that I knew I needed to fix myself, I really needed to, it was imperative that I did.

When he came to visit me during my first few months at the rehab center, I knew that I could in fact forgive him for the things has said instead of trying to forgive him for what he has done. That was one thing I knew for sure that he didn't deserve my love, or my happiness for that matter.

It might take weeks, months, years even to mend my mentally battered mind. A hard task like that is to start from the root and work outwards until you fix the problem and correct it. 

46 Days Clean

"Line after line, you broke me, day after day, I watched love fade away, I wanted love to stay"

Oh my, I haven't updated regularly. I apologize, I've been writing drafts out for future chapters. I'm so sorry I will be on top of my game. Thanks for reading! :* :)