Down the Pier

Friday the 1st of January 2016.
7:30 a.m
This morning was the same as all the others I woke up and the voices started again I can never escape the voices they never leave me alone. I didn't know what to do usually I would turn to the vodka but I really need to shake myself up and get my life back on track it used to be so perfect, but now I sit here in my dark, gloomy and lifeless house that used to be the exact opposite. Dust covers every inch of my previously well kept house. The cobwebs in the corners that I wish I could clean but it's like the house is draining all the energy I have in me. I crave human interaction but no one wants anything to do with the crazy person I'm the one that when people see they cross the street no one wants to interact with me they warn the children about me but I have done no wrong. I need to get out of this house but o can't break the routine so until 12:30 p.m I'm stuck in this dungeon.

12:15 p.m
I can't take it anymore thank god it is almost time to get out of here. Every inch of this personal hell reminds me of her but the doctors won't let me move they say change isn't good but surely it has to be better then this everywhere I turn I see her even though the house is nearly unrecognisable. And still my energy depletes as if it's being sucked out one of the boarded windows. I am going to get my bike it's rusty and old fashioned but the doctors don't see me fit for driving. They don't see me fit for much anything. So that is why my 2009 ford car sits losing value on the driveway. And my suit for work hangs gathering dust in my wardrobe and as depressing the bike is its all I've got to travel any distance and 12:30-3:00 p.m is my only chance to get as far from this hellhole as I can everyday so I will take the bike as it increases my chances of getting further.

1:00 p.m
It's a beautiful place really the pier I should go further then the mere metres this pier is from my house but I don't have any energy I can barely make it here and I don't go to far down the pier I sit on a mostly intact wooden bench and gaze at my surroundings. It's a beautiful day the sun is glistening in a clear blue sky. All around me is the beautiful clear blue water the kind of sea I'd love to swim in is I was allowed in the water. The pier itself is made of light wood planks and apart from a few uneven planks it is surprisingly well kept and and sturdy for its 50 years.

2:15 p.m
I told myself I shouldn't I knew I shouldn't have come here. But then again everyday I know I shouldn't come here yet I do. Everyday I see her. Everyday. And it always makes me worse whatever about remembering her in the house but when I see her the voices they get so loud , they tell me horrible things like they want me to do things. They want me to kill her but I can't and everyday I don't do it they punish me they get so loud, louder and louder. And they very rarely quieten down. I hate it when they screech words at me but the worst is when they have nothing to say but they just make noises like a Boeing 747 taking off in my head over and over. They make me want to rip my head open and they get angry when they see her. They get angry because she is happy. Happier then she was with me even with the big house and anything money can by but she didn't love me and she does love him and it hurts me and it hurts them to see her. I don't know if I can take it anymore the noises are so loud in my ears and I can't do it.

2:59 p.m
1 minute until I should be home but today I just didn't have the energy to get up the woman I love who doesn't even recognise what I have become sits mere feet from me. I can't blame her for not recognising me. My black hair which was formerly well kept and precise was strewn unevenly and unruly all over my head. My face which used to always be clean shaven is now covered in a thick layer of scruff. I used to look healthy and now my skin is sallow and my eyes have huge black bags under them. Even my attire alphas changed I used to be well dressed now I'm in ripped dirty clothes I have not changed in god knows how long. Like I said I can't blame her for not recognising me but I can blame her for what she has done to me. She with the help of the voices in my head have drained all of the life from me. So here I sit and the bench although I know I should be home I still sit here listening to the voices one screeching in a high pitch the other roaring in a low moan but both chanting at a volume higher then when a bomb explodes
"Kill Her you'll be happy" over and over all I've heard in the three years since she left me. And I can't take it anymore. I love her too much to love her and I can't go home the house will be angry I'm late so I've made a decision I'm going to cycle off the pier into the sea. This bike isn't as useless as I once taught it's going to take me on the ultimate journey. It's going to get me far far away from the doom and gloom of my horrible house. The sadness I feel when I see the car and the suit. The headaches and arguments  I constantly have with the voices. And most importantly it will take me away from her. Her beautiful long blonde hair. Her cherry red lips always shaped into a smile. Her sparkling sky blue eyes like beacons on top of her slender tiny body. I've made my decision and the voices agree. Goodbye world I'm sure I won't be missed and I certainly won't miss you.