Shiny pink fingernails drummed on the wooden desk as the computer slowly came to life. Kara sighed as the photo of Sam and Jacob sitting on the grass filled the screen and the icons gradually appeared. Mum’s computer seemed to take forever. Not like...not like Adam’s. She pushed the thought away. She didn’t want to think about him.
The messenger window appeared and she typed in her password, listening for her mother’s footsteps coming up the stairs. The list of people, online and offline, came into view. Everyone was out partying. Even Graham by the looks of it. Feeling stood up, she sat back in the seat, hoping he’d be back on soon. She was dressed as though meeting him for a dinner, even though he wouldn’t see her. A pretty pink top flaunted her cleavage, while hiding her round tummy that had never recovered from her pregnancy with Jacob. Tight jeans showed off her long slim legs. Her dyed blonde hair had been curled loosely, in a way that looked natural. She’d redone her makeup after dinner. Mum had raised an eyebrow, reminding her that she would be on night shift, and so not able to babysit. Her life didn’t revolve around children anymore.
The doorbell tone of someone signing into Messenger made her sit straight. It was him. She forced herself to wait for him to speak first. For a moment she thought he wouldn’t. Maybe he’d grown bored with her, just as Adam had. Then it happened. The one little word on the screen made her smile. “Hi”. His handsome face showed up in the photo at the corner of the window. Perfect tanned skin, beautiful brown eyes that seemed to look right at her, a smile that showed straight white teeth.
She typed a response, the clicking of the keys drowning out the sounds of the boys’ breathing in the next room. Her mother left for work an hour later, and she felt at ease, typing away. He told her about his day, how working as a primary teacher could be stressful. Two children had got into a fight over a stolen Nintendo DS. She told him about hers, how she’d taken Sam to his new school, how he’d kicked up a fuss expecting to see his old London friends there, and how some of the other children had wondered at his accent. Then she told him how Jacob didn’t last half an hour in the nursery. She’d only just got down the corridor when she heard his screaming and had to turn back - how soft she could be!
“Shouldn’t be so soft,” Graham’s message read. “After all, they’ll walk all over you.”
“I know,” Kara typed.
“Do you feel like you’re doing your best?” he asked.
For the first time, Kara felt awkward. She didn’t know how to answer.
Another message appeared on the screen before she could answer. “After all, you’re a young mother. Twenty two with a five and three year old. I take it they weren’t planned?”
“No, they weren’t,” she answered. “But I do love them.” It suddenly felt as though she were trying to convince herself.
“I’m sure you do.”
At that, Kara signed out of the messenger. She felt uncomfortable. Had she taken his questions out of context? Of course she loved her boys. She’d run away to London to live her life with her little family. Then she’d taken them back with her five years later when it had all fallen apart. It wasn’t an option not to. She thought of those five perfect years. It had been weeks since she’d done so intentionally.
Yes, they were perfect. She remembered summer days at the park. Watching her boys learning to walk on weak little legs. Laughing when they toppled over. Hugging them when they scraped their elbows. It wasn’t a question of whether she loved them. They were hers.
