what we had (wolfstar)

what we had

My name is Remus Lupin.

And I've been having the same dream for months now.

I wouldn't call it a nightmare.

But it's definitely not happy either.

"Hey, you okay?" I look up, and see my wife, Tonks, staring at from across the room.

"Fine," I mumble, crawling into bed.

Sometimes I feel guilty about not telling her. When she shakes me awake because I'm sobbing into my pillow, we just don't talk about it.

Around me the blanket is warm, and I feel myself beginning to drift off. Here we go, I think.

I'm

tangled in the sheets with

wrapped in the arms of

kissing the lips of

Sirius.

Right now, there is nothing but him.

We pull each other closer.

"Tell me you'll love forever," he whispers.

"Sirius Orion Black, I will love you forever."

The scene changes.

I am screaming

screaming

screaming

until everything inside me explodes.

I fall to the floor, and ragged sobs hiccup rhythmically from inside me.

Then I look up at Dumbledore.

And I say, "No."

"I'm sorry," he says quietly, I should have foreseen-"

"You shouldn't have foreseen anything," I snarl, "Sirius wasn't the type of person to- to-"

And I collapse again.

I want the scene to change again, but it's not, and I'm left here, crying on the floor of the Hogwarts headmaster's office, with the knowledge that James and Lily are dead, and it was

all

Sirius's

fault.

The scene changes.

I'm lying on my bed.

Our bed.

And I'm feeling empty.

I used to feel a lot of things.

Sadness and grief, for my dearest Lily and James.

Anger, at Sirius.

And most of all, guiltiness, because even though I knew what an awful person he was, I couldn't help but miss Sirius Black with every fiber of my being.

But now I didn't feel much of anything.

I can't remember the last time I ate.

I can't remember the last time I slept.

I just lie there.

The scene changes, and now I'm feeling again.

Feeling...

It's hard to explain. To give a name.

Am I happy? I suppose so. I mean, turns out my ex-boyfriend isn't a traitor so... Is he my ex? Well, let's think, he's been in prison for twelve years.