Why I Couldn't Hit "Send"

For all of you

For All Of You

            I told you that I sucked at talking and that’s why I was a writer. But there are many other things I haven’t told you.

            Because I didn’t know how to.

            And just like every teenager that didn’t know how to verbalize my emotions, I started texting you. After the perpetual cycle of proofreading and backspacing and retyping, I finally had it all perfectly written down in a text message for you to read. But just as my thumb grazed over the “Send” button, I hesitated.

            I was scared by the complete honesty of my words. And if I was scared of my own words, I could only imagine how you would react.

            That unknown, that uncertainty of the consequences of a single text message…that’s why I couldn’t hit “Send”.

            I wanted to tell you all the things I felt in those moments, but the timing was never right. Then, there were more moments and more things I wanted to tell you but couldn’t. And all these things piled up and I became a vessel of unsaid things.

And so,

            These are for those times in the school parking lot when I told you that you didn’t have to worry about me but you hugged me because you knew I was lying. These are for the school nights I stayed up until 2AM, listening to you ramble about how in love you were with my best friend. These are for the weekends I kept you up until sunrise, telling you how I might be in love but I didn’t know with whom.  These are for that time we were at the park until sunset and for the first time, you were something more vulnerable than you ever let me believe. These are for the entire months that you called me first and you called me beautiful, and never once made me feel insecure.

            I saved all these letters, these messages, these stories, these poems, these beautiful little things, and buried them somewhere deep.

You are never meant to find these stories.

But if you do…

these were the things I wrote for you.

And I hope that when you read them,

you’ll understand…

why I couldn’t hit “Send”.

Sincerely,

Me