I'm Not The Only One (Scomiche)

Epilogue

Wrong Question, Right Answer

by Mitch Grassi

If there's one question in life I never seem to get the right answer to, it is this - should I fight or should I let go? 

Somehow, I mostly find myself fighting longer than I should when it would've been best for me to give up already, or quickly letting go of something I could have had but just did not fight harder for. There has been a constant struggle to find the right balance and I have stumbled over this decision many times in my life.

As a child, my struggles were pretty simple and mostly confined to decisions affecting me and my sister. Should I fight for the last piece of pizza or let her have it? Should I fight for the television remote or let her choose the show we're watching? Should I insist on having more toys than her since I was younger or be content with what was given to me?

As I grew older, my struggles became more focused on things that had to do with school and with my peers. Should I pull an all-nighter to pass the exam or give up studying and just make sure I do better next time? Should I audition for a role in the school play or content myself with staying in the background? Should I attempt to make friends with the cool, popular kids or stay with my nerdy clique?

By the time I reached adulthood, I thought that I had it figured out. I thought that I was going to make better decisions and not have so many wasted pizzas, failed exams and missed opportunities.

Then I met him.

It wasn't love at first sight or a whirlwind romance or a fairytale story. It was still a cliché, however, because I was that guy who had fallen in love with his roommate-turned-best friend. Falling in love with him, at the time, was one of - if not the scariest - experiences I have encountered in my young adult life. I was so scared that when I found myself at the crossroads, needing to make a decision between letting him go and fighting for him, I chose the former. I loved him but I loved myself and my dreams more. I was scared of what a relationship with him would mean for my career that hadn't even started. I was scared that he was going to get in the way and that I was going to let him. We wanted different things so I chose myself and let him go. At the time, I believed it was the right thing to do.

As much as I'd like to say I regretted my decision every single day, I honestly did not. I missed him a lot, I thought about him constantly, but at the same time I was living my dream - the very reason I gave him up in the first place.

When faith allowed our paths to cross again, I took it as a sign that we were meant to be together. That it was my second chance - our second shot.

The problem, however, was that he was already with someone else.

For the second time, I found myself choosing between fighting for him and letting him go.

The answer should have been obvious. Actually, there shouldn't have been options to begin with. There was nothing to fight for since he had already given his heart to someone else. But I had this notion in my head that there was a reason he was back in my life and I in his, and that could have only been that we deserved a second chance.

I didn't want another missed opportunity so I did what felt right even if I knew it was wrong. I did everything I could to find my way back into his arms. He tried his best to resist me and to push me away, but eventually our unfinished story was revisited and the book of us was reopened. I won him back; at least that's what I thought.

We started a new chapter together but almost instantly went on very different pages of our book. Our story took a tumultuous turn and we trudged the rocky, heartbreaking and soul-wrenching path. Early on I realized that I won back half his heart at most, and I spent more than a year trying to win back the other half. I settled for whatever little love and time he could spare. I swallowed my pride every time I begged for him to stay for five more minutes. Knowing that I was sharing him with someone else chipped away at my sanity a little bit everyday. I came very close to giving up on multiple occasions, but I was stubborn and refused to accept anything other than a happy ending for our second shot.

I wish I had realized sooner that the other half of his heart I was desperately trying to win back was not with his boyfriend. Instead it was with him all along and he held it hostage. He grabbed onto it tightly, likely because he was afraid that if he handed it over I was going to break it again like I did the first time.

It took a long time but he finally conquered his fears and went all in. Alas, faith was cruel. It didn't allow me to see him for the man he was or at least was trying to be. In my quest to get the whole of him back, I lost myself in the sea of demons and fears I created. They cast shadows that made me doubt him, myself, and our relationship.

Simply put, we were yet again not on the same page despite sharing the same story.

And like before, I was back to asking myself this - should I fight or should I let go?

I have regretted my answer to that very question multiple times in the past so I decided it was best to see it from another perspective. I asked myself what I thought was a better question - whom do I choose?

When I let go of the man I loved, I chose myself and my dreams. When I fought for him, I thought that meant I was choosing him again. In retrospect, I realized that I still chose myself - I was selfish and went for what I wanted, the same way I did when I let him go.

So I finally chose him.

I chose us, our relationship, our future. I chose to be with the man he has become. I chose to believe in his promises. I chose to see and focus on what was good. And in choosing him I both fought and let go of many other things. I fought to be free of my demons. I fought the urge the run and leave him whenever things got tough or I got scared. I fought against losing myself in him once more. On the other hand, I let go of my insecurities. I let go of the desire to forget our past and instead embraced it as a bittersweet reminder of how far along we've come individually and together. Finally, I let go of the guilt that constantly weighed down on me and made me believe that he and I did not deserve to be happy.

I chose him and I knew in my heart that I finally got the answer right.