Miss You

My heart was beating fiercely. It was strange, the only object left with emotion in my body, and it was far from ready to give up yet, even though it was what I wanted to stop. The rest of my body had already lapsed into indifference, but my heart continued to brutally thump against my chest, attempting to be a reminder of the life that was still pulsing stubbornly vigorous through my veins. It was a wonder my body remained unscathed from the sadistic beating that from the muscle.

Standing on my tip toes carefully, I stretched my arm upwards. Carelessly I gripping at the rope, it scraped along my palm, scratching away the skin, but I ignored it, putting all my weight upon the loop. Would it be strong enough? If I was going to do this, I wanted to do it right at the very least. This was one thing you couldn’t fake your way through. After all, it would make for an awkward explanation to my parents if I failed in this.                                                                                                                  

Thoughts crossed my mind with careful deliberation. The voice that countered all my arguments had long since died, it’d been starved. I couldn’t say with any certainty if my insanity had been the thing to capture and smothered the intelligent half of my brain that had been left or if it had been the other way around. There was such a thin line between insanity and rationality. Whichever way it was, one half had taken over and no longer was I Hamlet, torn between two choices. I had but one option left to me, and everything was easier now without that indecision.

Vaguely interested, I peered downwards. My feet were snuggled between the hard oak beneath them while my toes peeked over the edge. Odd, my knees were suddenly weak and my hands were trembling. It was the same physical reaction I received when sleep had enjoyed being frustratingly evasive. With that thought in mind, I closed my eyes, showering myself in darkness as I focused my mind unwaveringly upon the next moments of my life, going through it step by step. But this didn’t calm my wavering hands or erratic heart, strange since it had always worked before.

Pursing my lips, I allowed my eyes to open again to look across the room at a blank darkened wall. It appeared there was no way to halt this useless trembling unless I waited the motion out, which would defeat the entire point, wouldn’t it? With a self suffering sigh, I forced my traitorous body to kick away the papers hindering my movement upon the desk. A mess didn’t seem to be bad anymore seeing as I was creating one whichever way I went. My bare feet rippled in a dangerous trail of goose bumps, travelling right up to my neck.

I slipped my makeshift circle over my head, allowing it to lay in the shape of a necklace about my neck. The scratchy fabric raised a lump in my throat. Confused, I felt a tickling sensation on my cheek. Lifting my hand to the affected area, I rubbed it away quickly with a finger. But when I looked down to the finger, it was wet.

Giving one last shrug, I stepped off the desk with one foot, the scraping about my neck increasing.

Screeching I shot upwards, the uncomfortable sheets around me tightening dangerously to my increasing terror. With tensed panicked fingers, I ripped away at the blankets suffocating me, wrapping taut about my neck. My screams died before they could escape, the baseball in my throat suffocating all attempts.

It wasn’t until I was free that the horror in my mind subsiding.

My chest was heaving treacherously up and down, my heart shoving my chest upwards with every breath I took.

With still shaking fingers, I pushed my damp hair away from my sticky forehead, drawing my knees closely to my chest. Scraping my hands briskly over my face, I swiped away the hazardous sweat the mingled evenly with the moisture from my eyes.