Introduction
My life is a constant battle between strength and doubt. As soon as I convince myself of something doubt is knocking at my door ready to take all of my strength away from me. I'll never be smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, I will never be enough, and that's what I'm afraid of.
"You've been crying a lot lately, what's wrong? I know you say you're fine but I know you're not. It hurts real bad right now but everyday is not today, things will get better." Strength kicks in but I'm still too weak.
"Who are you kidding hiding everything behind that fake smile? You're not fooling anyone. Everyone can see that you are broken. He knows you're broken." Doubt knows my weakest points and attacks them every time. There is no escape to the doubts in my head.
"I just want to see you smile again," Strength says. "He might have caused you a lot of pain but he's not a bad guy."
I could never hate him for any of this. My feelings aren't his fault because I chose to feel this way. He gave me so much to be happy about, I could never stop smiling when I was around him. I guess he took my smile with him, because it's gone.
"Just stop thinking about him. I'm sure you mean absolutely nothing to him anymore. I doubt you ever meant much to him in the first place."
No, that can't be true I tell Doubt. He said I was different from any other girl he had ever been with. He said I gave him that warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you're with someone you really like, the same feeling he gave me. I really miss that feeling, I really miss him.
He isn't here for me anymore to help me when Doubt gets to my head. He isn't here. He meant more to me than just a boyfriend, he was one of the sweetest and kindest people I had ever met. He was so selfless and actually cared about others. He cared about me, which no guy has ever done before. He was such an amazing friend, why did he have to leave?
"Go ahead and think about the past, it won't do you any good. Go ahead and cry because it isn't going to fix anything. If you want to make yourself miserable go right ahead, I'm certainly not going to stop you."
"You are stronger than this. Don't let Doubt get to your head."
"Go ahead and fall to pieces. No one cares about you. He doesn't care about you."
"You are stronger than this. Don't let Doubt get to your head."
The only problem is that I am tired of being strong. I lied to protect what little dignity I had left and to protect his feelings. I didn't think that one lie that I thought was the truth could ruin another amazing friendship. I didn't think that one little lie could turn my whole world upside down, but it did. And the sad part is that I still haven't convinced myself that it's the truth.
Chapter 1
Freshman year. It's supposed to be full of fun and change. Everyone says that this is the time when everyone's true colors come out and you will find out who your real friends are. I guess I still haven't found them yet. I thought for sure that you were one of them but that was poor judgement on my part. If only you knew the pain I went through losing yet another amazing friend.
So, here's how it all started, from beginning to end. Everything about our friendship, our relationship, everything about us written conveniently in one book, just for you. And I doubt you will ever even read this.
As Shakespeare once said, "When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew." Well in my case that's not exactly true. Though I did fall for you for a very short amount of time, it took awhile for you to notice. A long while at that. I pretty much had a crush in you from the moment we met, I'm not exactly sure why, most likely because you were cute.
