Dear Gisella,
What if I told you that you had only one day to live?
Would you tell someone you loved them? Or would you run to the nearest Mc'D and order a burger? Would you ask people to help you? Or would you be curious and want to know the reason?
Or would you run away. Run and hide. Keeping yourself sealed from the world, so the hurt wouldn't touch. So that Death would not reach you.
It's what I did.
I hid. I hid and I hid, and I kept mum. I silenced the screams. If I wasn't heard, I wasn't dead.
Where did I hide, you ask?
I hid inside me. I kept myself from feeling. I didn't want to know, to love, to hurt.
But I had to, didn't I? I had to die. So I had to feel.
So I did.
I felt.
Love,
Jayden
I folded the letter and stuffed it into my bag. It hurt to see his name, now that I couldn't see him. But this was all I had left, wasn't it?
I blinked away the tears as I zipped my bag pack. I walked out of the house, not bothering to say a goodbye.
There wasn't anyone there. No one that cared, anyway.
I walked to school. The car didn't need to be used. It was how he would take me; to school, to church, to the mall. He would take me home.
I stumbled a little, as I climbed up the three stairs that led to the school's entrance. Everything reminded me of him. Every. Bloody. Thing.
Everything ached, even the small hole where my heart used to be, until it carved out in a mini-Jayden shape and left. Walked away.
Focus, I chided myself. He wouldn't want you to hurt, Ella.
But I did. How could I not? He was my other-half. My anchor to reality. My life. My twin.
Life was meaningless without his messy brown hair and sharp blue eyes that could turn from innocent to mischievous in the blink of an eye.
Life was meaningless without his presence, his love, his heart.
It was big, the heart. And it loved me with every inch of it.
I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. I couldn't show the fear. The nerves. The hurt. The loss.
It was the first time after he died that I would be going to school. And I had to be brave. For him. For Jay. For us.
I opened the doors. And everything shushed. The students, the teachers; even the clocks seemed to stop ticking. I wished they really did. Then this moment wouldn't have happened.
I saw them stare. With pity, with sympathy and with loss. They hurt as well, I knew. Jayden was loved. How could he not have been? Charming, boyish, calm, collected, and pure. He made people fall in love with him without knowing.
When I saw the eyes- all the eyes, everywhere- I shut down. I was this close to breaking down. To bawling my eyes out. But I couldn't. He didn't want it. He would just hurt there, wherever he was. He never could bear to see me cry. Why should now be any different?
So I held my head high, and I walked. Past the eyes, and past the judgement. I walked to my locker, and I tried to open it, but it refused to acknowledge my presence.
