I had had my fair share of personal burden like the downs you'd experience while growing up, the inkling why your parents don't seem to understand what you're going through, the sad reality of life for being so unfair, and mostly the unending query of having such to live here on Earth and my purpose of existing.
I believed that I was conceived and brought upon here on the big blue marble out of my parents fidelity for each other, I am thankful that I got to enjoy this thing called life and experience its finest while enduring the expenditure of living so. Because of them I got to learn a lot of stuff, I am forever grateful and indebted to Mrs. and Mr. for letting me breathe the air of life up until now and long may forever exist. I wasn't given a chance to choose when I want to be born so I stick to my natal day, February 4, 1997 and if you're calculating it right I'm already 18 years old. Yes, I'm a lady now, with a fair complexion, they say I'm sexy but I call it skinny, I will not say I'm pretty because I'm plain as Jane nothing's special with my facial features, I had given enough height, I think, by my dad but I'm very lightweight. I was given a name, Ms., that I abhorred when I was young.
Growing up, I have always been in trouble expressing what I feel and to be able to relate myself to someone. I'm the exact definition of timid, I'm afraid to be out in the open, scared to bruise my knees while playing, I stutter trying to talk to people that's why I opted not to, I'm anxious that I look like shit while facing people, I'm always terrified for what others will say about me, I learned to build walls because of my personality that even I can't understand, I don't know why I'm like this, sometimes I feel like normal people just scare the bits out of me.
As I started grade school, I met a diversity of people, a pool of different kids, a variety of beings that somehow startled me, I always keep my head down, mouth shut and unmoving. Every time I see group of kids playing, chatting, and running around I feel sorry for myself, why can't I be like them? So free, not afraid and always on the groove while me, so clumsy, so ugly and a shrink. My want to change myself has come true because of the kid I met; we were on the same level with the same age. His name is Spencer, since budding he was always vocal that he possess a flower heart, that he was trapped inside a boy's body with a girl soul. He's the spitting opposite of what I am, he brought up the kid in me, he used to play the flowers with me which I find boring for I was never the girly type of kid, who would? If I am surrounded of boys that so happen to be my siblings. He would pretend to be the pretty fairy while I will just watch him enjoy himself that I also learned to enjoy on the process, he became my salvation, and I gained friends because of him, he somehow broke the walls that I have shaped for a long time, he cracked up and opens the shell where I had been hiding. I think we basically grew up together because of that.
High school had been tough for me, greater responsibilities, broader scope of lectures, and most of all I learned to question my purpose which I find bothering. I was introduced to the pang of life's reality, my parents' relationship started to be shaky and because of that I became emotionally unstable somehow. Who would want to hear their parents screaming at each other's face every night? I felt so much pressure, there are things that I want to do but my mom won't let me, there are times that I felt suicidal, I badly want to take my life, my parents didn't understand me, I can't even find my motivation, I slacked at school, and I withdrew myself to the people that matter to me. That was the biggest mistake of my life, I pushed those people who stood up for me, who cared for me, who brought out the best in me and I regret every bits of it. I realized that I need them so bad in my life and because of them I learned to find a reason to go on, live and chase my dreams. They never left me, my friends. All through the pain and hurt, the rejections and disappointments, there will always be people who will cheer you up and will tell you everything's going to be okay, and I'm thankful to my family for that.
Well, I'm currently in college, SPC exactly studying Bachelor of Laboratory Science. Too much adjustment is all I can say since I commenced in brainery. A mixture of freedom and restriction, temptations are everywhere but fun was absolutely evident, a much greater responsibilities, a wide range of individuals and lastly a fight for your degree of education and your survival. In college I realized that the Earth is a big and a small world at the same time, a whirlwind of people, emotions, and struggles.
College is a quest for self-identity, a ride of who you truly are, an arena where you fight to standout, a battle for kinship, a long haul for your ambitions and dreams and a ticket to sustain living the reality.
I realized and learned a lot of things in college for three years now, that the world is unfair, that society is very conforming and I was once a victim of its conformity.
At a young age our real struggle is to find where we belong and when you enter a wide range institution you have to find a "back to back", a back you can lean on, a person on you can hold on at times it get hard and I'm lucky I found my team whom I can be with no reservation, with just being me, persons who accept me no matter what happen.
Life is indeed hard, I had proven it already but that's the way it is, we just have to accept it and try to live a life with meaning and dignity despite of its difficulty. I had had a lot of ups and downs in the past and also now but I am not ashamed of those for they had molded who I am today and I will be forever grateful for that, we cry for the things we don't understand, the pains and hurts are all the going to be worth it in the right time, always remember to be patient, be kind and carry courage in your heart.
Life had knocked me down a lot of times but I will never trade anything for the experiences I had just to go back and fix my mistakes for they made me who I am today.
While I'm studying I'm also working as a part time tutor and a shadow teacher for those with special need children at JMC. I am proud of what I become right now though my journeys still not over I can say that I learned so much and I will be forever learning. Live your life the way you want it to be with liberty yet with responsibilities, you have all the right to bitch if it gets hard but always remember to be happy and thankful. J
