Here I am back In my office after a long time of renovations. Finally it's usable again. I've read my wattpad stories and thought I should do an update. My sister has now been dead 2 years. We have just passed her two year anniversary on the 10th of July. My life continues to feel strange and I haven't found what road I'm to follow. I used to have such clarity about where I was going but since her death many dilemmas have come my way. I have 3 daughters all of which live at home still. My youngest one has come into some trouble of which I found out about on my 40th birthday. If I hadn't known grief already, I sure know it now. I feel as if I have poured my life into my children. Everything I did was for them. Always having to protect them from the harms of the world, from criticism, and hurt, from the constant messages to live a certain way that was undesirable to God. And despite all of my efforts, I have failed. My children have not followed the path I set out for them. My heart cries out for them and yet I still feel like a failure. I dropped the ball somewhere. I let go too soon. Life and work took over and I missed something. When they needed me most I haven't been there for them. I can't go back and fix it. We go on from here struggling through a maze of emotions, and hurt and hope that God can bring good out of bad. I am pensive about my life but feel I may now be in the right direction. I have quit my full-time job which was causing most of my stress. | loved my job but it was keeping me from my family. I have always felt a mother belongs at home with her children. I've had many appointments since I've quit and still haven't begun all the things that I had planned for the summer, like regular exercise, training the horses, meditation and writing. I'm slow to get into new things and have thought about this change in my life for a full year and it took months to convince my husband. Yes, I am still married. We have passed the 20 year mark. I am 40 years old and didn't know if I would still be married at this age. My husband and I have struggled for many years to understand each other. We have walked through many hurts together. Last year we went to a marriage class and some things were resolved. This year it's all about moving on, getting our family to be closer and back to doing what we feel God wants us to do. It'll be a hard road as we've been complacent for 6 years now. My goal is to get back on track. To help my children but also to reach into myself and find that creative side that has long died in my heart. To dig up the buried talent from the ground, increase it to become more than one and then present it to my master when he returns. I hope I can make him proud of me once again. Anyone who reads this may you find the Peace that passes understanding from God in Heaven. May He shine his face upon you. Thank you God for new beginnings.
