ocd | phan

ocd part two

okay people have been asking me to write this since august so finally here it is also wow 1057 words enjoy it

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2022:

Ten years.

Ten years since he left.

Thirteen years since I fell in love with that beautiful older man who would eventually ruin me.

Love is terrifying, especially when you have a mental disorder such as OCD. You feel like the only thing they know about you is your disorder. To Phil, I was just a boy with an illness that loved him more than life.

I wish I didn't love him anymore. I wish I could see someone with blue eyes without thinking about him. I wish I could turn the lights off without remembering him. I wish I could wash my hands without thinking that I'm scrubbing a piece of him off of me.

I've tried so hard to move on, but you can never really move on from someone you're in love with.

I'm never sure about anything. I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life. I've never been sure who I wanted to be. The only god damn thing I've ever been sure of was Phil. I still am sure of him. He is my soulmate, and it kills me to think that I'm not his.

I find myself wondering very often if he's moved on. Maybe he's just sitting in his apartment thinking about me, wishing he could have me back but doesn't know how to approach me. Maybe he's married to a nice man or woman with kids. Maybe he's dead, but I really don't want to think about that.

I'm still trying to move on. But I've come to the conclusion that even if I fall in love with other people, a part of me will always be devoted to him. No matter what.

-

Phil:

I like to pretend I don't think about him.

I like to say that I'm in love with her, we've been together for two years and being in love is expected.

I don't know where he is, who he's with, and the uncertainty keeps me up at night. I sleep better when I know the doors have been locked multiple times and the alarm system is definitely set. I sleep better knowing Dan's safe.

-

Dan:

The employees at this cafe know my order, but I still insist on making sure they have it right. I have to have my pasta in a separate bowl away from the rest of my food. I know it's a pain in the ass for them but I'm glad they understand.

When the employee brings me my food I start to pay for it, but she interrupts me.

"Your meal has been paid for by a man named Phil. He asked me to give this to you."

It was a blue post-it note with what I assumed to be his number on it that said 'we need to talk, please call me. -Phil"

No. No, he can't just come into my life like this again. I can't look at him. I can't speak to him. I can't be in the same area as him. If I come in contact with him, I don't know what will happen.

But then again, I should see how he's doing. I should end things so I don't have to worry.

Without thinking, I reach for my phone and dial his number. It rings four times before he answers.

"Hello?"

His voice nearly makes me drop the phone. He sounds tired and weak.

"Hi Phil, it's Dan." I hesitate before adding, " How are you?". I barely could stammer out those words.

"Oh, Dan? I wasn't expecting you to call. I can't believe you go to that same restaurant after what, ten years? And I'm living, I still can't decide if that's a good or bad thing. How are you?"

"If I'm being honest, I'm not even close to being okay."

"I'm sorry, Dan. Do you think we can meet up and talk about things?"

Oh God, am I ready to see him? "I'm not sure if that's a good idea, Phil."

"Please?"

I can't resist him, as much as I wish I could.

"Okay."

"Okay, is tomorrow okay? We can meet at the park at five?"

"Yes, that's fine." I said, "I'll see you then."

"Alright, bye Dan."

-

I'm at the park. It's 4:52 and he should be here in eight minutes. Eight minutes, four hundred and eighty seconds until I see him for the first time in ten years.

I count the seconds, breathing on the even numbers. Do I hug him when I see him? Do I shake his hand? What do I do?

And then I see him.

Him.

He's gotten taller and the bags under his eyes are noticeable.

As we get closer, we start to walk faster and faster until eventually I'm in his arms.

"Dan..." I hear him mutter under his breath. "I missed you so much."

"You did?" I asked. He missed me?

"How could I not?"

"Okay Phil, you left me. I was alone for ten years because I was- am still hung up on you. I'm in love with you and I can't get you out of my fucking head." I didn't mean to yell that last part.

"Dan, I have a girlfriend."

And with those five words, my heart shattered even when I thought it couldn't break anymore.

"How? How can you have a girlfriend? Do you love me?" I was starting to become more confused than I was in the past ten years.

"Of course I love you. That's why I wanted to talk to you. I need to make a decision between you and Sara."

"Then choose me. I need you. I can't believe I'm even saying this but Phil, you're my person. I love you more than anything. I can't believe I'm even saying this but she doesn't need you like I do. So choose me, because I've chosen you over almost everything and I will continue to choose you until the day I die."

Phil was silent for a few minutes and those minutes felt like an eternity.

"So, who is it?" I asked, my voice shaking in the  process.

"You. It's always been you."

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OKAY THERE'S THE HAPPY ENDING ENJOY IT THANKS FOR READING THIS