Lost Without A Map

Chapter 7

July 11, 2003

        I haven't written in a week. I feel horrible because I said I would begin telling my backstory. Don't worry, that is coming soon. I have to tell you about the friend I made. She is already my best friend and we just met last week. We work together and she makes me so happy when I am sad. I wish I could tell her the truth. I think I trust her enough to tell her. I could tell her anything. Her name is Allie. Her full name is Alvina but she doesn't like to be called that. I think it is a beautiful name. It means "beloved friend" It fits her perfectly. 

She also introduced me to some of her friends. They are all very kind and accepting of me. Her best friend was named Ethan. He was very kind but I still haven't known him long enough to understand his relationship with Allie. I think that he is hiding something but I don't know what he would be hiding.   Ethan is always nervous and jumpy and I've been wondering why but I don't want to ask. I guess it will be revealed in time.

Anyway, I've been working and trying to focus on moving forward but there are constant reminders of my past. I am always wondering if I made the right decision running away. I would have nothing to live for if I hide my whole life. I don't want to hide anymore. I try to distract myself with new things in the town but it's not enough. I know that I seem to complain most of the time but isnt that what a diary is for?

I wrote this letter to William and I am going to send it. I need him to come. I hope he isn't mad at me. 

Dear Will,

I miss you so much more than you will ever know. Every day that I am away from you is another day that I regret leaving. I should have just dealt with my parents instead of running from my problems. You are my husband and I am your wife. I have no idea what is going through your head at this time. You could be angry at me, sad, happy to hear from me, hating me, I don't know, maybe even all of the above. It is so difficult not being able to see you. When I would get sad at home, when I couldn't stop crying, I would call you or go see you and just seeing your face would make my pain and sorrow ease up on it's deathly grip on my heart. I love you, William. I will always love you. Please write me back just so that I know you got this. Even if it is a blank piece of paper in an envelope. I want the best for you and I want you to be happy. I love you

July 12, 2003

I sent the letter. I can't believe I just sent it. I have been on edge all day. I am on my lunch break at work and my hands are shaking so badly I can hardly write these words. I can only wait for his reply. My anxiety is trying to take over my body but I will not let it. I will work my butt off today and try to forget that I even had a past at all.

July 13, 2003

I didn't sleep at all last night. I was able to work myself to the point of passing out and it did help get my mind off of my pestering worries but it was the visitor I got at the house last night that set my anxiety off again. Allie came knocking at my door at around 11 PM. I was not in bed yet because I was attempting to meditate and fight my anxiety. Sharp knocks shook the door, the walls, and nearly knocked me from my balanced yoga position. I muttered curses under my breath as I walked to the door. For some reason I didn't even think about the fact that I was a runaway hiding from my parents who hated me. I didn't even think of the fact that it was so late, or that anyone would even visit me in the first place. I just swung open the door as those logical thoughts rushed to my mind. I saw Allie and it reassured me that I was alright. "Ethan." That was all she said. There was no emotion. I knew she was mad. Actually, she was so pissed off, I swear I saw fire in her eyes. I grabbed some shoes and rushed out the door with her. I asked her what happened and she told me the whole story as we ran to the hospital.

Ethan had been riding his bike to his sister's house. He and Allie had just been in a fight and he left with anger spilling out of him like hot lava. He pedaled his bike at full speed down the road and was not paying any attention to the rest of the world around him. Meanwhile, Allie was still back at the house fuming about the things Ethan had said. I was rather mad at him too. If he hurt my friend, he hurt me too. Allie said all she knew was that while Ethan was riding his bike he saw something out of the corner of his eye but in that split second of distraction he swerved into the road and into an oncoming vehicle. 

We got to the hospital and went up endless flights of stairs to find Ethan. I asked Allie if she was sure she wanted to go in there. She was the one who brought him in the first place so she said it was fine. Ethan was laying on the white hospital sheets, bruises and cuts everywhere. I couldn't help but think that is what he deserves for being so cruel to my best friend. I knew that was rather mean so I tried to push the thought aside. "Well, Allie, he will be alright. Give him some time to heal. He needs time to grow up too." I took her arm and gave her the "you need to stop letting him munipulate you because you deserve better" speech. She nodded and cried.  She came back to my temporary house and I made her some tea. She was asleep on the couch within 15 minutes. I ended up pacing the room and worrying that while I ran away, William could be hurt like Ethan and I would have no idea. Even though Ethan and Allie were mad at each other, they were still there for each other. At least Allie was there for him...But I left Will and if he needed me, I would be too far away. I would have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.

July 14, 2003

Today I have just been working. Since nothing interesting has happened I guess I will tell you about my life. I will start when I was a baby.

When I was born I didn't fit in. I was a huge baby in an ICU with tiny premature babies. I stuck out like a sore thumb and I hated it even then. I can't remember much about being a baby but I do remember certain things. Like my mother holding me or my father rocking my crib and singing me to sleep. I don't know what happened to my parents. They don't seem like the same people from those memories. As a toddler I was still odd. I didnt have very good style in clothing and I was always nervous. Even as a little girl my anxiety took ahold of me. My life wasn't even that bad. 

The one day I remember most vividly was when I was four years old. It was at the end of summer and the warmth was leaving the air. It smelled damp outside from recent rain and golden leaves were beginning to appear on trees. I loved being outside. It was quiet and I fit in. My mom would do dishes in the kitchen and watch me play in the yard. I knew not to go beyond the fence but I wanted to so badly. I was standing outside looking at the fence. I looked back at the house to see if my mother was in the kitchen. She wasn't, but it was not unusual for her to disappear. I walked right on over to that fence and began to climb it. I made it over and I was in the neighbor's yard when I heard my father. He called out my name and I froze. The neighbors came out and looked at me standing there like a statue in someone else's yard as my father came walking out of our house. He told me to come at once. I obeyed and he was calm and even tempered the whole time. People went back to their houses. They felt that the situation was just a minor one that had been dealt with in seconds. They were wrong. So very wrong. As soon as we got inside and my father shut the door, that's the first day I got hurt. Not just on my body from him hitting me, but the words he said to me. I still hurt from that. The bruises are still on my heart.

That is the beginning of my story and I only have more to tell. I hope that someday I can use my pain to put some good in the world. To share some love.