little old me

I sat trembling on the edge of the roof looking over the skyline of my hometown, New York. it was a beautiful sight at this time of night.My emotions overwhelmed my thoughts and senses. I looked down to my shaking arms to see row after row of scars, each scar having different meaning behind it. none i like to be reminded about. But i had no choice. The evidence was clear as day. I began to well up with my eyes becoming like waterfalls as my life flashed before my eyes.

Jump or not to

what is happening? im letting them get to me. The bullies. Why do I have to be me? I'm not one of those skinny, pretty popular girls everyone wants to date and likes. I'm just.. me. The girl who no one likes.

I sat there alone on the edge of a sky high building. on my own again, left with nothing but my thoughts. I awaited the sunrise but it never came. Because I'm not alive anymore. I have already jumped and now im dead. This is the beginning of the end of my life.

My name is Leah. I'm 17 years old and I want to die. I know that may sound overly dramatic but most of the time it's true. Im not saying i don't have a good life. I was brought up my mum and dad with my little sister. It was the average up bringing. I used to be happyonce upon a time. I used to smile. I used to be able to laugh and joke. I used to eat. But most of all I used to have unscarred wrists. I used to be myself, the old me, the Leah that i had forgotten. But that all changed when I grew up and started realising that the world isn't as great as it is made out to be when I was little. It's scary and not a very nice place to be.

It all started when I was 15. Two years ago. I was the shy girl who sat in the corner of the class room. The one who always wore black. I was called an emo, a faggot, a worthless whore, an ugly bitch. I started to believe everything everyone said. When one person says it you disregard it but when 10 and twenty say it you start to believe its some what true. The words pierced my skin like a hot knife through butter. But I continued to smile even though I was dying inside and no one could see it. I thought someone would be there for me like they all promised before they went away. "I'll catch you when you fall" they said. "I'll always be there for you no matter what". They weren't. Until one day someone was.

His name was matt. He was a transfer student from Australia. He had ocean blue eyes and rosey red lips. He was an average height and was the cutest thing that graced the planet. He was new to my school and instantly became popular with the girls. He seemed like such an airhead letting the girls touch his defined six pack and his toned abs. I'd never paid him any attention until one day he popped up to me on Facebook. This was the beginning of a nightmare.

It started off with just talking every now and then. But as are friendship blossomed so did our feelings for each other. It went from a wave in the corridor to a snog on the school field. I thought I actually meant something special to him. Like I was the only reason for him getting out of bed every morning. He told me he loved me and that I was the one.

The only one.

At this stage in my life I was happy. I could turn to my boyfriend for everything. I'd got friends and a kind loving family. But good things don't last that long. Home life started to shatter. My mum and dad weren't as close. Little things became big things. Arguments lasted days. Until finally they split. I became very depressed about this whole situation. My life was beginning to crumble.

I started to stop eating. Every day the number dropped. I was getting skinnier.

I was the one now crumbling.

My boyfriend didn't notice the dramatic weight loss that much which was a relief. But the scars on my wrists gave me away. i wondered, why my wrists. why was i so stupid? people can see your wrists Leah. One day Matt noticed them. I had let my guard down for a split second. just a second. i rolled my sleeves up. i was boiling and to be honest not thinking at all. My arm was plastered in scares. wrist to shoulder. im such an idiot. He grabbed my wrist tightly, demanding to know what there were. I just said they were nothing and turned away trying to act natural about something that was evidently far from it. i rolled my sleeves back down hastily. He wasn't stupid. this was a rather large disadvantage of Matt. he wasn't stupid. he pieced the clues together he had figured out they were self harm cuts.

"I can't love anyone like you. Your hideous and covered in scars. just look at you. i have a reputation to with stand here and your not helping it by that. are you?"

Im part of his reputation. what the hell. i was nothing more to him other than a status quo.

i really knew how to pick them didn't i ?

Instead of fighting for him I watched him slip away. I watched him fade into a memory because I knew that was best. I knew my heart couldn't take it anymore, and I'd be alright without him. Tears trickled down my face as he vanished into the distance. It felt like each step he took was a memory fading, a promise breaking and a love dying. He went his way and I went mine though the memories were left behind about a silly girl and a foolish boy who thought they were in love. The only thing was my way was on top of a building. With the plans of killing myself. I succeeded. now I'm dead.