A Letter to the Boy I Love

The Letter

To the boy I love,

You're destroying me, do you know that? I hate it that its your effect to me. I hate myself for giving you the power to control my life with just one little action that you do. I hate it that you care. I hate that I fell for you even though I already know that there's little to no chance at all of you even liking me in that way. I hate myself for not being strong enough to move on and forget my feelings for you. I hate that out of 7 billion people in the world somehow you're the only, who makes me feel this way. I hate it that I love you and that I'm really helpless because I don't even know what I'll do if our relationship changes or when our friendship vanishes.

I love it that you trust me that much that you share with me your feelings for that one person you adore. And I don't even know if you know just how much it hurts to know that you like someone else. I love it that you care that much to everyone that you don't want any of them to die. I love how understanding you are and that even though you know how whipped I am for you, you don't avoid me that much and you don't take advantage of my vulnerability. I love it that you still converse with me even after the awkwardness and things that happened between us. I love how you're so closed off that you make yourself so mysterious that even though I already know a lot about you. I'm still as clueless as I was on the first day that I met you. I love how you make it so hard for me to resist you. I love how you're so calm in everything, from simple things to things that I say or do. I love how you're so considerate that you considered my feelings for you. I love how forgiving you are that even though I broke a lot of our promises you still forgave me. I love how you're totally cool with my personality and that you don't judge me that much. I love how you totally get me and sometimes I think that you know what I'm thinking. I love how you're so independent that even though you need help and I'm offering it you still decline and you manage to do them by yourself. I love it that you were so angry at me when you knew that I used to hurt myself. I think that you don't need the burden so I didn't tell you why I did and why I'm doing that. I really want to stop here, but unfortunately I can't.

No one understands my pain like you do. Everyone just seems to compare their own problems to mine and that makes me more guilty and sad knowing that I can't help them, but we're all different people and sometimes small problems to me could be big problems for others. But you don't do that, you don't compare me to yourself. You listen and I know that because of that, you already know a lot about different people. I can't really share to you any of my problems since I don't want you to carry the burden.

Moving on from you is extremely hard and I don't even know why. It could be because of your personality that makes me fall for you all over again everyday. Or it be because I can't accept the fact that we can't be anything more than just friends and deep in my subconscious I still think that I still have a chance, but I actually don't. I tried different things in that period of time of me loving you, but none of them just works. In my past heartbreaks distancing myself usually does the trick. But if I distance myself from you which is so hard to do, you become all that I think of. I can't focus on anything, but you. And basically you being on my mind, doesn't help me at all in moving on. I guess us being classmates makes it harder since I have to bear with seeing you on weekdays and reading your conversation with our classmates on our class's group chat on weekends.

I also have this other choice in which I continue to be friends with you while trying my best to move on. I am currently doing this, but I feel like nothing's even happening. Its becoming harder and harder everyday, but I think this choice is also effective. Because with still being friends with you and being casual with you, I tend to keep in my mind that I'm just a friend and that's all I ever will be. Of course, I cry about that, but I controlled myself that I will just want to cry everyday but I will never cry at all. I'll just continue on with my life and just keep on smiling as though I'm not dying inside. I guess that's one of the reasons why no one notices my pain. Its because I hide my pain with a smile and personally I can't find anybody that can differentiate my fake smile from my real one. But there are those times where I just lose control of myself and I just cry until I fall asleep or maybe I just don't sleep at all. That's happened a lot of times in those 3 months of me loving you. I guess I'm just really that unstable around you.

As I said you're destroying me, but there are good and bad things that came out of that. One of those good things is that I became extremely sure that I'm into boys and not with my same gender. I became more attentive to people since I don't want them experiencing what I'm experiencing right now. I realized that I should live most of my life since I'll never know when I'll plan my death again. Though I'm not planning on doing that in the near future since I promised you that I won't kill myself. But I don't know if my future self will be able to consider our promise significant especially if in the future you're not even there for me anymore.

I guess me thinking about the future in a negative way is one of the bad things that came out of everything that has happened. Me being more depressed than I was in my previous years of living. Not being able to sleep at night when I'm not that tired since I regret everything I've done in the past. Going back to my habit of self-harm when I'm that desperate to breathe and just be able to erase the pain. Me being distant to my friends when you're all I can think about are also some of them.

I hope that you don't feel bad at all that this is your effect to me. Since as you can see you gave me more good things than bad. Actually as I'm writing this I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess that I just really want to blurt out everything that I'm feeling right now. Honestly, I feel really relieved that I've expressed my feelings in this way. And I'm also really happy that I'm able to write again. That's all I can say right now, I guess. I've expressed everything and I feel as though one large weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I just want to say thank you again for everything that you've done for me and sorry for everything that I've done wrong. I don't know what'll happen after you read this, but I just wish that you won't avoid me, though its okay if you do I'll understand. Just remember that regardless of your reaction, may it be good or bad its okay and that I'll understand. Thank you again and goodbye.

Sincerely yours,
The girl you never loved back