Potatoes

The Beginning

I dieted. For about a month and a half, I went on an extreme diet. No sugar, no grains, no fats, only organic and pure things. It went fine for a while. Everything tasted pretty good, despite the fact that all I ate was salad with chicken and chicken salad for lunch. I smacked on red peppers and berries-no fruit without the word 'berry' in it- for a snack. But if eat dinner and hardly eat a plate before I was full. And twenty minutes later, my stomach was growling like I hadn't eaten in three days. My mother said it was just my body adjusting. But it was Godawful.

I lost thirty pounds. I had never felt so thin and healthy in my life. I could wear that shirt that was just a little too tight and my fat rolls wouldn't plunge out. I felt effing amazing.

And then I gave up. I don't even know what happened, but before I knew what I was doing I was eating twice as much as I had before. I ate. And ate. And ate. And I could. Not. Stop.

Not only did I gain back the thirty pounds I lost, I gained at least twenty more. I went from fitting snugly in a large to fitting way too snugly in an XL. With every pound I died a little bit inside. I'd look at the food I was eating, think 'what the hell am I doing?' But eat it anyways. I'd take off my shirt to get in the shower and discover ten new stretch marks all the way from my armpit to my waist, strangely resembling tiger stripes. I would put my arm down and meet my own eyes and shake my head. Because I was stupid. Because I was alone. Because I was fat.

I couldn't tear my eyes away fats enough. I ripped open the shower curtain and jumped into the shower before I had to look at myself any longer. Getting out I would avoid my reflection.

My belly hangs over my waist. It jiggles when I walk. I am constantly aware of the way my skin moves when I walk down a hallway, the way my thighs shake with every step. No pangs were comfortable. No shirts were comfortable. I just wanted to die.

The truth is, this isn't the beginning of some great story I'm going to tell you about how I lost all of that weight and am living life. The truth is, The Beginning is happening right now. This is what I deal with it everyday. This is my today. This is my tomorrow. So be goddamn patient, because my story's only begun.