Dear Journal,
It is killing me to see him like this.
He's there, but I don't really see him. His mesmerizing blue eyes still glisten when light shines on them, but they don't have the same vibrancy to them. His smile still flashes in 0the room, but it doesn't light it up. The piece of hair still sticks up in the top of his head when he is nervous, but he just doesn't care anymore. He is broken and reckless, yet outgoing, but also sad and angry. I want to help him, but the way that he looks at me like I don't understand is killing me slowly.
Every time he puts an alcohol-filled glass up to his mouth, I quiver, thinking of the horrid thought of someday losing him to this. The sea that he is swimming in is rapidly becoming increasingly too dangerous to continue. I need to help him, but he wants to go through everything alone. He wants to grieve by himself, and although he has every right to do so, he needs to know that I will be there through everything.
I'd be lying if I wrote that I didn't envy the fact that Ezra is heartbroken over another girl. He was my whole world until I went off to college, and as much as I try to convince myself that I'm over him, I think I love him. The way that he mourns over Nicole is natural, but he doesn't realize that if he opened his doors for help, so many people would be willing to listen to him speak. There are so many people that love that man, and who cherish all of the time that they have had the privilege of spending with him.
When the alcohol, no matter what the form, slides down his throat, I feel an urge to be by his side. I know that he believes that it is an escape, but in reality, it brings him further and further away from the world that he lives in. The vigorous taste in his mouth goes away, but the effects last. He's losing everything.
He's losing the time and endless hours on his book, the followup for Ostinato. He's losing quality time with people who love him. He's losing time for himself.
I can't find the Ezra that I had once met at Hollis Bar and Grill. The stature is there, but I can't find the person who was in it. I can't find the Ezra that fought, along side me, so hard for love, only to lose it after two years. I can't find the Ezra who would do anything to make people smile, just so that he could smile directly after that.
It's killing me to see him like this.
I love Ezra, and I can't believe that it has taken me this long to realize it. He is the person who is meant for me. Fate brought us together when I was just 16, and although I'm 23 now, I still get the same feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I see him.
Seeing him for the first time, after five years, in The Brew made me realize my affection for him, I believe. I looked at him and memories flooded back from our two year relationship. I saw a weight lift off of his shoulders, and he looked like a just took a breath. At that moment I knew that he was for me, and I was for him.
At that moment, I knew that I needed to help him at all costs, no matter what it took, even if it took prying. It was up to me to help him get his book finished. It was my obligation to make sure he stopped trying to make his pain escape him in unnatural ways. Most importantly, it was my job to teach him how to love again.
It still is.
Although, he is still broken and shattered about Nicole, I am helping him to get his footing again. I am showing him the world; the positivity of some parts of it. He still drinks, sometimes inappropriately, but he is beginning to stop. His anger still gets the best of him occasionally, but it will be under control. Our relationship isn't perfect, but it is a relationship, that is much better than not speaking for years on end.
Someday Ezra and I will get back to where we once were as a couple. Ezra told me he wants that, and I can see it every time that he looks at me. Someday we will once again talk about out dream wedding, with white and deep purple poured everywhere. Someday, we will talk about little Daisy, the daughter that we have dreamed about, since the moment we knew that we were falling in love so many years ago.
No one knows what the future holds, and Ezra still needs a minimal amount of time to get over Nicole. He knows she is gone, but like everyone else, can't understand it. I am doing my best to console him through everything, and we are building are relationship, stronger than it has ever been. That's what Ezra needs; he needs a relationship with someone who cares about him more than he cares about himself. I'm am fortunate to be that person to him.
In the words of a famous English teacher, sometimes life isn't romantic, it's realistic, and I am willing to take whatever reality possible if it means making sure Ezra is all right with everything that has abruptly happened to him.
"You must give up the life you had planned, in order to have the life that is waiting for you."
I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life in Boston, away form the horrors of Rosewood. Despite this, I am more than willing to spend as much time as I need in my hometown, if it means helping out my very best friend.
Sometimes you don't expect what life has to offer, but you have to go for the ride. Whether it is tragic, magical, or a little bit in between, you have to open yourself up to trust, help, and happiness. You can cry, be down on yourself, and have bad days, but even in the worst possible situations, like Ezra and Nicole, there is light waiting to be found; you just have to look deep enough in.
I didn't teach myself this lesson. I learned it from Ezra Fitz, or as I like to say, Ezra Fitz, the person who changes lives.
-Aria
A/N: I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I joyed writing it. Just as a clarification, this takes place over a series of weeks and shows the small progressions of Aria and Ezra's growing relationship. Ezra is still broken about Nicole, and it hurts Aria to see him like that. Share, vote, comment, do whatever you want!
