DROWN

i am dying.  

Well, if we think about this from a broader perspective really, isn't everyone dying?  After our moment of birth out of the womb, we grow.  Yes, we grow, of course, and we mature.  But you see, i always end up asking myself this one question.  What for?  Why do we grow and mature?  Sure, the clear answer for this has to be because we need to reproduce and continue our human race for the coming time.  But, is that it?  i feel that the moment we are born, we are only preparing ourselves for our death.

This would be the time that i would strip of all of my clothes, and emerge my body into the warm, still water of my bathtub.  i would lay there, and stare up at the ceiling.

Purpose in our world is achieved through so many different ways.  Though, how do we define 'purpose'?  Is there one definition understood universally that captures every idea of it?  and what is the purpose of having 'purpose' in our world?  i feel as though 'purpose' only brings more excitement to our lives.  It helps us to develop, to create, to evolve.  i don't think i have found my purpose in the world yet.  As, when i think i've grasped tightly the meaning of my life, it quickly gets pulled away from  me by Society.  

Our Society is surely interesting.  i picture Society as a sort of creature that feeds on the deprived.  Society is a thief.  i have learned to lose hope in trying to find my purpose.  See, Society tells you that you can be anything you want to be.  Society gives you this false sense of acceptance, as in fact, Society isn't so welcoming.  It allows you to shape yourself, but only for the shortest time.  After, Society scolds you and shapes you into something artificial itself.  Society forces you into conformity.  

i hate looking at myself in the mirror.  do you want to know what i see?  i see skin and bone.  i see colorless flesh.  My mom has taken me to the doctor's multiple times.  My doctor whispers to my mom every visit that i'm dangerously underweight.  i can hear the doctor; there's no need to whisper.  i can see it when i look at my reflection.

This would be the time that i feel exposed in my bathtub, laying there.  i am naked.  i would look down at my shoulder.  look down at my collarbone.  look down at my chest.  my rib cage.  bones jut out everywhere.  i feel ashamed looking at this body.  this ill-looking, disgusting body.  A tear would roll down my sunken cheek.  roll down my sharp chin onto my neck.  another tear would roll down. and another. and another.  until i'm practically bathing in my own tears that have mixed itself in the warm, still bath water.  i would touch those bones protruding from my body.  i feel fragile.  i could break any time now.

By the time my eyes would sting and swell, my heart would pound more rapidly.  almost irregularly, but not quite.  

i am a disappointment.  i am a disappointment to my parents.  i am a disappointment to my name.  i am a disappointment to myself, most of all.  What is disappointment?  the feeling of dissatisfaction caused by the inability to fulfill one's standards is what i think of it.  i'm afraid of failure, yet i have already failed myself.  Failure is inevitable.  and failure is not accepted.  i have overheard my parents talking about me behind my back.  Talking about their own child behind the child's back.  Most of what i have heard them describe me as was this one, small word.  It's a simple word.  

PATHETIC.

How does it feel, hearing that every night in the room across from your bedroom?  While you pretend to sleep in your bed, when really, the word echoes constantly, chaotically in your head to the point where your head starts to ache and you can't fall asleep because your mind won't give you peace?

i would submerge my head into the water halfway, just below my nose.  i am breathing fine.

Is it possible to feel, literally, empty?  Like your body is hollow on the inside; there is no filler.  i feel empty in the sense that i lack importance.  i lack importance to my family, to Society, to the world.  i am lonely.  i have friends, but are they friends?  Or are they just people that make my life seem fuller?  even though i feel lonelier than ever before.  Among the many people that live in this world, the millions, the billions.  emptiness can be felt too easily if nobody cares.  This emptiness, the gaping hole showing through my body, needs to be filled with emotion and feeling.  Other people are supposed to supply you with these emotions and feelings that make you feel complete.

Instead, the gaping hole grows and twists and expands.  

i would submerge my entire head into the warm, still bath water now.  i would inhale through my nose deeply, intensifying that burning sensation so my nostrils feel as if they are on fire.  My eyes would close.  My nostrils, burning with rage, the fire spreading into my throat when i would swallow.  i would exhale through my mouth, struggling as more water would enter my mouth and choke me.  

i would forcefully lift my head out of the water.  My head would feel heavy, heavy as if it can not be held up by itself.  It needs support.  i would feel my heart beating in my head.  my entire face is burning intensely.  i would be coughing up the water now.  i would be coughing up blood.

i hate myself.  i hate how i am so sensitive.  so weak.  emotionally weak, not physically.  and my only resort when feeling emotionally weak is crying.  Crying to myself, because crying to others wouldn't help me any bit.  i am not cut out for this world.  i am not a good enough person to survive in this world.  The world is filled with so many opportunities.  But the world is a scary place.  The world, like Society, is naturally brutal.  The world is tough, and i'm not tough enough to live in it.  

my existence doesn't matter.  

i would apologize to myself over and over for thinking this way.  i would still cough up blood.  now my eyes would sting again because i would let tears fill my eyes and fall down to my chest and cause my body to chill.  i am cold.

i would look up at the ceiling again.  i would plead.  Plead to who?  plead up at my ceiling.  

please please please please please

i would look down at my body.  i would see the blood drizzling out of my mouth, into the warm, still bath water.  My bones are still protruding.  My gaping hole has not stopped expanding.  My head is pounding.  i am a mess.

i would take in one last, deep breath before sinking my head into the warm, still water again.  i would sink my head in now.  

Sometimes i have to remind myself that i am alive.  that i am surviving.  that i am existing.  I do have a life.  I am alive.  I am surviving.  I exist right now.

I am broken.