Akumal

You're the Reason

Present

__________________

It was like this: one minute I was standing on two feet, arms outstretched, perfectly stable for only a moment, and then i was flat on my butt.

For what would now be the 90,000th time.

I was about ready to give up.

Shouldn’t this come easily to me?  I mean, I was a pretty good surfer, and that took some balance.  So if I was able to balance myself on one object easily, how come i couldn’t do it on two?

Frustrated, I leaned my head back against the wall.  I let my feet slide out in front of me, the blades scraping against the ice.  My grandma came gliding over, as if she had been doing this her whole life.  Come on.  She was at least 60 for crying out loud.  Gracefully, she swooped down to sit next to me.  I stared up at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact.  This was hard enough as it was.  

Gently, she put her hand on my knee.  For some reason, I felt my eyes filling up with salt water.  When I was little, my mom used to tell me that I had ocean water in my blood, and that was why I cried out salt water.  Sure, it wasn’t entirely true, but it was something.  Something that connected me to home.  And Iokua.

“I know that this has been hard for you,” she whispered to me.  Grandma knew about my brother, but she had no idea how much of me I had left behind in Hawaii.  In Akumal.  “But honey, you have to brighten up!  This is your chance to find something new, something you may just love.”

I squeezed my eyes shut.  “It was all my fault,” I whispered back.  

“No, no sweetie!  It was in no way your fault!  Things happen, you know.  Your mom just couldn’t be on her own anymore!  She was unemployed and was entirely broke,” Grandma said.

Wait, she thought I was talking about the house?  

I nodded, not wanting to express the fact that I was talking about something completely different, something that really was my fault.

I opened my eyes and attempted to stand back up.  When I was upright, I said “I’m all done for today.”

Grandma helped me to the rink exit and we took our boots off.  After returning them to the rental desk, we got back in the car and drove off in silence.  We went to look for bed sheets and covers and paint swatches, but I just didn’t have any of the enthusiasm from before.

We were in the car driving home when I found myself dreading having to deal with Aaron and Bryce and all the stupid annoying things they did.  Why did they have to be like that?  That used to be kinda fun.  Actually, I really enjoyed hanging out with them.  It was almost like hanging out with...

They hadn’t changed.  I had changed.

Now I understood why nothing they did amused me anymore, why I was so annoyed by what they did.

Because it reminded me too much of Iokua.