Letting Go

Chapter One

Looking around the eerily large but quiet room, I took in a deep steady breath which was more for my courage than anything. I had never been a big speaker; never did I think I would be doing this. I had written everything I wanted to say to him down on a piece of paper. It took me three days to write, mainly because I could not stop crying, blurring the ink. My eyes lifted, taking a glance but faces were hard to see, I knew everyone was dressed in their best, they usually are at these events.

I had worn a navy wrap dress, a favourite of his. My brown hair left wavy and out as I knew he loved it this way. My mother and sister helped with my makeup, not that it would be on for long. I wore the necklace he brought for me, the rose gold chain with a pendant at the bottom. You could open it up and there was a photo of the two of us, the next spot was empty, but not for long. I did not bother with heels; I could barely stand anyway.

Finally, after getting an encouraging nod from a couple of family friends in the second row, I began to speak, my voice was quiet and calm as I stared at the love of my life in front of me. I knew that would not be the case for much longer, it was only a matter of time before I am crying. Unable to talk. My throat was already sore, making it hard to swallow.

I pursed my lips, and then began.

"I sit in our room, on our bed, looking through our wedding album and smiling to myself with happy tears, as I remembered the look across your face as you turned, greeting me as I came to a slow stop in my white dress. I had told you I was not going to wear something girly, that I was going to turn up in some plain boring dress and you told me it would not matter, that I could wear a raincoat and you'd still marry me. That moment you saw me in the same dress that I had noticed you placed a small tick next to in my bridal book, you smiled, and it was a smile I'd not seen often before. Your dimples were on show as you then did the most outrageous thing and kissed me, telling the celebrant and everyone else that you just couldn't wait.

Memories of that day flooded through my mind. His smile. the smile I longed to see once more.

"The day we met is a day I'll never forget it. I was seventeen, you nineteen. You told me I was too young to be out all alone in the big world." I smiled, hearing those words like it was yesterday. I let out a little laugh as I continued, "It was eleven in the morning, and I was walking my dog in the park." Others joined in on the small laugher scattered across the room. "You insisted on walking me home, I told you no, but you said you wanted to know where to pick me up for dinner that evening. I thought you were crazy. and you said, let's be crazy together. Who'd have known four months later you were going to propose to me in that very park where we met. Some people called us too young and insane, even more so when we told them we were getting married three months later, but you told me not to worry. You told my father that you'd take care of me and.." words faltering as my throat struggled to get the words out. "You kept that promise."

The smile was breaking, slowly fading away.

"I think of all the things we said we'd do together; we are opposites that's for sure. You took me skydiving and I took you to get couples massages, not that you complained about having your back rubbed by a striking woman." I paused a moment, blinking back the salty tears threatening to come out. "You taught me to take each day as it came, live in the moment, and enjoy life. I have enjoyed my life so much with you, every day was never the same as the previous. Our albums are filled with so many adventures we took, videos of trips, holidays and of just us being happy at home together."

"You never said a bad word about anybody, you were so loving and compassionate. Nothing rarely bothered you; you always had a positive outlook on life and tried to help anyone who needed it. I don't think I can recall a time where we argued, the only thing that comes to mind is when you told me I wasn't allowed to decorate our home with all my girly crap, all because I had a pink mug on the sink. It somehow accidentally broke when you washed it up the next day," I smiled a smile that didn't reach my eyes. Reliving that moment. A few people laughed here and there. I, however, was numb.