once upon a time...?

Once upon a time, a young beautiful sleeping princess was awoken by a kiss- okay, okay strop right there. She wasn't that beautiful, let's settle for mediocre, also the whole kiss thing? Not my idea. I, the prince- alright, there is the other thing, I'm not really a prince, try the poor beggar boy who comes to the castle here and now, looking for a rare coin or two. And the last thing, I'm only thirteen but yes, i do look old for my age. It must be my strapping good looks and perfect sense of humor. 

Okay, so getting back to the story; when the princess fell - and i mean literally fell- in a "deep sleep" (that does nothing for her, like seriously she looked like a beached whale!) the princess fell out of her window at the top of the tower. Oh, and i was just so luckily passing by. Well maybe it wasn't that nonchalant. Everyone in the kingdom knew about the curse set upon the princess. "For on her fifteenth birthday, she would fall into a coma and could only be awoken by a prince" and all the shit. Everyone also knew that it was her birthday, the seventeenth, today. It's not like it was just about posted everywhere visible to the public eye! In bathrooms and in the pub. Couldn't we just get some peace!

I had seen pictures of the so called 'most beautiful princess, in all kingdoms!" And in most of them, she looked like she could have lived up to it, although she is the only princess i've ever seen...  Anyway, i decided to have a look for my self. Well you know what they say, the painting takes off 10 pounds. well try 30...

So that morning, I trotted off to the castle and got in the only way i know, through the front gate. Well, that day must have been my lucky day, for the guards were sleeping on the job. You'd think that for the day of the curse, they would assign extra duty! But apparently not! 

I slipped past the unaware guards with soundless steps and headed toward the right side of the castle. I was admiring the rose bushes- I've got a soft spot for them little buggers, with the soft drooping pedals and colorful pedals and... and shit!- when i heard faint steps and talking near the top of the princesses tower. I instantly dropped to the neatly trimmed grass; blending into my surroundings. Why hadn't i jumped into the bushes?! Too late now... There was a knock, a squeak, as though a door was being opened, then the loudest, high pitched scream i had ever heard. Gosh girl! I glanced up toward the 100 or so story tower and sure enough, a small dot about the size of my left thumb came barreling down. I knew i had to act fast. I shoved a pile of hay towards the helpless falling girl; in attempts to soften her fall and save my arms. Either way i knew it wasn't going to be enough. So i climbed the stack, squeezed my eyes shut and stuck out my arms, preparing for the catch. 

My breath was knocked out as the princess and i were sent tumbling in a mess of arms and legs into the heart of the hay. Gosh! She weighed a ton! I shoved her off, scrambled to get up and checked if anyone saw the disaster,  no one did. Good. Looked like those dummies up in the tower, didn't get the bright idea to look out the window, to see if she was alright. 

I then checked for a pulse, slow and steady, not dead. Also good. I positioned her so it seemed as though she was merely sleeping and and not as though she almost fell to her death. Then booked it out of there. I wasn't suppose to be there in the first place. 

The next day i was leisurely strolling through town and came across, yet another notice. On it read; "Prince needed, auditions this Thursday at the royal palace."  I thought it would be interesting, get a good laugh and have a merry day! who would have thought i would get the part? But sure enough I did and the next thing i know, I'm standing there in a tights and bloomers. 

By the time i tried to back out, it was too late. They said, when asked, the other gentlemen couldn't live up to Prince expectations. But I'm sure that wasn't it, if you know what i mean. Like i said, thirty extra pounds. Also a bribe of four thousand pounds of silver, to stay helps. 

For the next three months, I was put through pure torture. Posture. Education. Speech. All of those Prince type things. As i was saying, pure torture. 

On the eleventh of May, I used all my tortu- I mean training and rode out to where the kept the hideous sleeping beauty. 

The plan was simple enough, find the girl, kiss her awake, she'll fall in love and you'' both live happily ever after. 

Well that was how it was supposed to happen, but like all good stories, it didn't. I followed the plan up to where i kissed her, that is where it went a bit off kilter. Instead of falling in love with my rugged good looks, she slapped me! Can you believe that?! After all of the torture i went through for her to slap me?

Well, i rode her back to the castle, the whole time listenign to her lecture about "how you dont just kiss random girls" and all of that shit. I was seriously regretting not leaving her back at where i woke her up. 

We got back to the castle, she stormed off, refusing to marry me and i rode off on my new horse, carrying my four thousand pounds. 

As every good fairytale should end; 

I lived happily ever after.