Let Me Go

Untitled Part 1

Three brisk knocks on the door.
  "Just a second!" I scooped up Jeremiah, rushing to his play pen where I lay him down with a fresh bottle. I was stuck babysitting while everyone was out getting things done. I opened the door.
  "Braxton." He smiled, a little shyly, from under a hoodie. Strange sights on cold nights.
  "Hey Katie." I feel goosebumps rise on my bare arms.
  "Hey, come in. But be quiet, don't want to alert the the little one." I gesture to the  closed door that Jeremiah was behind, hopefully falling asleep. We step inside and Braxton strips off two jackets. Once we step into the kitchen, I laugh a little, "It must be windy because even with a hoodie you got some snow in your hair." I gently brush the delicate flakes from his hair, he leans in just a little to compensate for his extra few inches. I take back my hand, maybe a bit too fast. "Anthony isn't home, he's with his girlfriend." This was dangerous territory I was treading. Like a frozen lake, but the thing just in front of me was something very important. But one miss step and into the frigid waters I would fall. Braxton nods.
  "Yeah, I'm not here for Anthony." This got me a bit flustered but I kept my cool, letting myself recover. Relax, Katie, just a boy. You don't even live in the same state. You leave, he stays, end of anything. But this moment was my frozen lake. My heart was the center, just waiting to be grabbed and protected from the cold. And Braxton was the dangerous water below.
  "Well, no one else is home either. Cheryl went to a doctor's appointment, Isabelle is at a friend's house, Alex is working-"
  "I came for you, Katie." My knees turn to noodles, but I just lean my weight on the counter behind me. The lake's thin ice begins to crack. "You don't have a boyfriend back home, do you?" Correction - large pieces fall away, showing me the restlessness of the waters I stand above. But when I looked at Braxton, I didn't see restlessness. Maybe a little shyness, but more confidence and determination. He has made a resolve and now he wants me to know.
   He still sounded shy, almost timid. It was strange, Braxton being timid. When I first met him while visiting my Aunt Cheryl and cousins a few years back, he was brash and unapologetically himself. Smoked a cigarette and let his sleeve move up his arm showing off a tattoo of an anchor. My cousin Anthony introduced us and Braxton was none too subtle to flirting, but I can't deny flirting back. Or enjoying it. Yes, and what a pointless endeavor, because you flew back to California the next day.
  "No, but you have a girlfriend." He just shakes his head, dark waves falling into his eyes. The top most layer of hair had been bleached to dye it green, but that had faded a long time ago.
  "Not anymore. I told Kensi I needed a fresh start for the new year. I wanna change myself."
  "So, you break up with your girlfriend of a nearly a year?"
  "She wasn't really a girlfriend. More like a casual one-night-stand buddy who follows me to drag races and parties." I turn to the cupboards behind me and pull out two glasses and pour us some water. Well, that was blunt. And really personal. Cool it, Katie, just let him talk. I hand him a cup, his fingers lingering just longer than necessary.
  "Why the sudden change? Just in the new year's spirit?" Nice save. Covering your little jump scare right there. I mentally smack myself for the absolute fail in smoothness.
  "Sure and I found a pretty damn good reason." I swallow quickly, rushing to ask,
  "What's that?" He fiddled with his cup. Wiping off the condensation, switching hands.
  "I'm not gonna b.s. you, Katie. Honesty is one of my new goals. So, I'm gonna give it to you straight...I wanna become a guy that deserves you." I nearly choke on my water, I hold back the urge to cough knowing that will make my surprise obvious. The lake is crumbling around me, and I have lost all control. I run for my goal carelessly.
   "What?" Smooth, Katie, like gravel in a blender.
   "You're obviously a virgin and-"
  "Thanks, Braxton."
  "No! That's a great thing. Like you don't cuss and you don't make dirty jokes. And somehow I still think you're amazing." I wasn't exactly sure how to take this so I let him talk. "I am a man-slut. We all know it. But I don't want that anymore. I don't want to be labeled a future alcoholic and drug addict. I wanna be someone who deserves someone like you." He pauses, looking down and taking a long look at his Converse before looking back at me. "Well, specifically you."
  Maybe I was wrong. Maybe Braxton is not the water below, but the one who is running just as fast towards my heart. We run. Now that we are so close, I see things better. There are two hearts, one is mine and the other is his. But what is the ice? The water? I guess I'll discover it soon.
  "I don't understand. You're cleaning up your act because...you like me?" He smiled, not the typical smirk, but a real smile.
  "It's crazy, I know. I want to be someone you could take home to meet the parents, not your bedroom. You make me feel like I should get a job and a decent car. You smile and I wanna quit smoking. Your laugh makes me want to go to college or something."
  I feel something in me, a bubbly feeling that makes me think impossible dreams are possible. Hope. That's it. The ice is our hope as he runs for my heart. Will I run for his? But what is the water. I look at him, so vulnerable and open to me. I am no longer running to save myself, but him. I will save Braxton Rogers from the water that lies beyond the ice.
 A huge part of me wanted to kiss him then and there. I felt warm inside like he lit a spark in my chest that spread through every part of me. But a small part of me was gaining ground in a war of emotions. A shadow that was passing over me. Because you can't have a guy want to become amazing for you and keep him.
  "Braxton, I'm leaving in two days." My voice became heavy, weighed down by the truth my words carried.
  The water - reality.
  "I know." He put his cup down, moving closer to me. "I shouldn't have told you."
  "No, no, I'm glad you told me. You don't understand how amazing this feels. I just wish I could stick around to enjoy the change." We stood the for some time, just standing, less than a foot between us. Until we could hear Jeremiah start to squirm in his play pen.
  "I should go." Three words, the wrong three words. But if this was any sort of movie, it would be a romantic comedy. And we'd be the laughing stock of this cruel universe.
  "I guess." I let the regret seep through, letting him hear the things I really shouldn't say. And for the sake of sanity and not breaking my heart even further, I kept my mouth shut.
  Please stay.
  I wish I could.
  Don't leave.
  It will only hurt more of I try to stay.
  I know.
  "Katie, come back over the summer. Six months, I'll be a new guy. I promise. Come back and see me. We'll be done with school, we could try for...something. Just a little bit of hope."
  "Of course. Brax-" I couldn't finish, his lips interrupting my own. His kiss was it - the ice gave way under our feet, but it no longer mattered. The water of reality didn't matter because of what we now held. We clasped the other's heart, to protect and love, in replacement of our own.
  "Thanks."
  "For what."
  "Being you." And he was gone. The only things to speak of his visit was the light scent of cigarettes and a hoodie left by the door.