To start this off I'm going to swear everything is true, when I was in the 3rd grade I would sleep at my aunts house every Saturday so she could drive my cousin and I to CCD in the morning, my family is extremely Catholic. My parents however were only making me go so I could show the family I could make my communion and move on in a "healthy life style" but see I never could believe in any type of God for one specific reason, and here's why... My aunt had a boyfriend at the time... He was tall, gray hair, strong, and walked like every step hurt. He was really kind to me, he bought me all types of expensive gifts and such but my whole view on him changed because of what he did when I was "sleeping" and no one else was around. Like I said I slept there every Saturday each room was pretty far apart so you couldn't hear noise if coming from another room, well my aunts boyfriend took advantage of that. As I would sleep he would come into the room I stayed in and touch me, at the time I was young I didn't know what was happening all I knew was when I opened my eyes he would get mad. Really mad. He would cover my mouth and add so much pressure I couldn't breath and I could feel his hand push harder into my cheeks until he was done. I prayed every night it would stop, but it never did.
4 years pasted and then I got into some bad habits. depression, anxiety, bulimia, they all hit me at once. I went through a break up and was stupid enough to send a picture to my boyfriend at the time, it was stupid and irresponsible. I thought so much of him and I thought we were real but once he broke up with me I felt broken. Normal girls will cry but no me being me I found a blade in my basement with the tools, I saw the blood drip down my wrist and all the pain slowly faded away. I would do this everyday, everywhere, whenever I could. It was like my drug and I loved it. about a month passed and that December 1st I went to far, it was too deep, I couldn't hide it this time, my friends threatened to tell my parents so I did it before they could. My Parents screamed, cried, and screamed some more. For the next week they kept an eye on me but that good parenting phase ended all to quick. I cut on December 9th of the same year. as the months went on I only got worse, I became better at hiding it. I started doing everywhere on my body, my friends knew but didn't know what to do, I was so obsessed with my cuts. Even though I couldn't move or it would hurt I kept going, I had to. summer came around I avoided swimming, and any other types of short sleeves and shorts like the plague. my parents didn't suspect anything. now to a more resent note this past September I still felt alone, I dated every boy I could get, dated my exes new girlfriends, I went from one to another no problem. I was called so many things yet I didn't care.
I was an emo, I cut, I was constantly called a hoe, slut, and whore. Yeah it sucked but I didn't stop. I stopped cutting on the daily and had a type of plan, I could only cut if the cuts from the previous time were healed, so I would cut about once a week. Now i know it seems like I got a lot better but I haven't even included the purging, I hated my body I was 114lbs and thought I looked like horse. I was a mess, so I threw up my meals, I lost about 20 pounds in 3 weeks. I was about 95 lbs when people started to notice, I was put on a type of diet that I would eat then be monitored by friends and family. My sister kept a pretty close eye on me but with her at college it was easier to feel alone. months went by then someone came along. i barely even knew who she was having no idea she was going to change everything inside me. so she came along, she tells me she likes me, she's gorgeous, long beautiful hair, her dimples make me melt, no wait scratch that her smile and when she laughs...oh my god I can almost hear it now. it's perfect, she's perfect. I asked her out hoping for a yes and I got it. I was obsessed with the happiness she brought me, I never felt like that before with anyone. we had our first kiss and it was anything but you see in those cute little romantic flings. this was awkward and just plain weird. she was always very nervous around me. she always thought she was going to mess something up but i was so obsessed with her i couldn't care less, we went along perfectly until shit had to go wrong, apparently people knew who i was. they knew of my past. yes they could say shit about me but i never cared and plus they would never to say shit to my face cause I know how to stick up for myself, but her. she never wanted to hurt anyone and they took advantage of that. they would say shit like "being gay is wrong" " that's gross" and yet she listened. She broke up with me about four weeks into the relationship, I couldn't stop crying, TMI but I was on my period and I knew that nothing was ever going to go right for me. I cut for the first time in about 3 weeks which was really good for me. Someone in my friend group found out about my cutting and told the guidance counselor, from there my guidance counselor told my parents about her concerns and I ended up telling the truth, now this being the worst coupe days ever, it only got worse, I was brought to a crisis center and they recommend me into a partial program. I would go in for two weeks and go to none stop therapy for coping skills. That's when I found out the "great" news. My BEST FRIEND also my past ex had told the girl I fell in love with and got broken up with not even two days ago that she liked her, and the girl I loved... she liked her back. I went ballistic, I couldn't handle it. they started dating and I cried myself to sleep trying my hardest not to go to a blade but I couldn't stop it. I cut again, deep. I was disappointed in myself yet so proud at the same time. I found out my partial program started the up coming Friday, I would miss school for a full two weeks, I knew the girl I loved still liked me so I flirted and such knowing I would be gone and I could leave drama behind for now.
I tried and tried to get her back. but see the girl i loved loved me but she also loved her. so now they're dating and what do i do? what any jealous girl would do. i made herself hot, like really hot. i was in my program but oh did i make sure to go visit the girl i wanted oh so badly.
// i'll try and update when i can, not like people are actually reading this...//
