Whats depression like?
Sometimes you don't even have to ask, but I see it in your eyes.
I can see your pity,
I can see your confusion,
But most importantly, I can see your happiness.
Call me selfish, stupid, pathetic, waste of space, fat, ugly. Whatever.
But I see you smiling,
I see you opening up,
I see you laughing,
I see you talking,
I see you being yourself,
And all I can do is think about how badly it hurts that I can't find it in me to do that.
I cry.
All the god damned time.
I cry like my heart has been ripped out of my chest,
I cry like a mother who has lost her baby,
I cry like a baby whose ice cream has fallen in the dirt,
I cry like a girl who is bullied to the point of not being able to show her face,
I cry, and cry, and cry.
It never seems to stop, I never seem strong enough to stop.
I'm weak.
It's like an out of body experience.
I have never felt like this, but when the lady behind the counter at the pharmacy handed over my little white tablets with pity oozing out of her body so bad I could smell it, I felt worse.
Like 100000005670000x worse.
And weak too.
My stomach hurt,
My cheeks flushed,
And I stumbled out of the shop.
Because my secret was out of the bag, she knew.
And she pitys me.
She doesn't know me, but she knows my third arm.
I have anxiety too.
It's bad.
So bad that I hide away.
I don't go out,
I don't have friends,
I lie,
I make excuses,
I disappoint myself,
I use my famous excuse of 'My mom won't let me'.
I lie so much that I don't even believe myself,
Guilt is something I wear everyday, I wear it like a girl wears her favourite shoes.
Except, it's not my favourite thing to wear, I would rather wear my favourite shoes.
But I don't.
I refuse to talk to people because I tell so many lies that I forget,
I forget which story I've told who,
I can't keep up with the lies.
It makes me feel sick.
I have no friends.
I mean, who wants to hang out with the girl who feels sorry for herself?
Who wants to be friends with a liar?
Who wants to be friends with a blushing freak?
Who wants to be friends with a girl who mutilates her wrists and thighs?
Who wants to be friends with a girl who manipulates people?
Who wants to be friends with a girl who makes excuses?
Who wants to be friends with a girl who can't go out without a mask on?
Who wants to be friends with a girl who doesn't fit in her jeans?
Who wants to be friends with a girl with scars?
Who wants to be friends with a girl so awkward she can't talk to the opposite sex?
Who wants to be friends with the girl everyone pity's?
Who wants to be friends with a girl so incapable of being in a public place?
Who wants to be friends with a girl that itches for a blade?
Who wants to be friends with a girl whose so broken, she's beyond repair?
Who wants to be friends with a girl who doesn't like to get out of bed?
Who wants to be friends with me?
No one.
I could go on and on, but unless you ever experienced a pain in your heart so bad you can't breathe, or every inch of your body hurts, you will never understand what I'm saying. You will never understand how empty I feel.
I am only 14, and I have had to understand.
But hey, I know what you're thinking.
You're laughing and telling me that no 14 year old could actually be depressed, she's self diagnosing herself, trying to be something she's seen on websites, or tried because she wants to fit in.
That is far from true.
I have been told by numerous people that I am a threat to my self.
I have heard the words 'Clinically depressed' too many times that I don't even flinch anymore.
I have been to too many counselling sessions, self esteem classes, doctors appointments, and anxiety courses to 'self diagnose'.
I have shed blood and tears.
I want to be what my dad refers to as 'The old Courtney'
But I am almost convinced that she's gone.
I know who she is,
She's bubbly,
She's fun to have around,
She's always joking,
She wears her heart on her sleeve,
She's determined,
Strong-willed,
But mostly, she's happy.
Then there's this Courtney.
I have no idea who she is.
Sometimes, if I can bare to look in the mirror, I'm shocked.
Because I don't recognise the girl looking back.
She looks tired,
She look's worn out,
She looks unwell,
She looks like an impostor,
She looks mean,
She looks weak,
But mostly she looks unhappy.
I don't know how much more I can take.
These sleepless nights,
Tearful breakdowns,
Hurt feelings,
Constant loneliness,
And stinging, bleeding wrists.
I am so fucking tired of it all.
