My friend Frances Wrote this book. All the credit goes to her.
"Give me my Romeo and when he shall die
Take him and cut him in little stars
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no attention to the garish sun"
Act ll.iii
Romeo and Juliet
William Shakespeare
1
Love is not patient. Love is not kind. It is intoxicating addictive and full of pain and jealousy and protectiveness. I vowed never to let anyone get close enough for me to love. What is the point when we all say good bye and all's that's left is pain, and an empty feeling we try to fill.
Since I turned eighteen I have only been in one relationship, which I never really wanted. It is easiest to say "When we are young we make mistakes," but that is not always the case.
I still do not know it started. I do remember what happen in it and how it ended. Memoires haunt me every night and day weather I'm asleep or awake. I found that the dictionary defined love as strong affectionate emotion, which I found to be anger, anger that led to pain.
The monster in that relationship grew angry and jealous. Jealous over my childhood best friend, who happen to be my grand-parents next door neighbor for many years. You could say that I cared very much for him at one time like a brother he was my best friend. But the monster never cared that, that was then, and this was now.
The monster had showed him-self to be inhumane, he turned me numb and confused. He hurt me in ways I can never forget. He choked me, burned me, hit me, make me bleed and leave me on the floor. At times id make it into the restroom where I could lay on the floor and black out. The cold restroom floor felt good like heaven. Cool and smooth icepack to ease the pain.
He hated me because I never gave into him never let him win. I was always defiant. No matter how bad it got I was still going to be me. Somewhere inside of me a flame burned bright. Never giving up the fight, even if it was going to kill me, I was going to be a bridge over troubled water at any cost.
He hated that I had something he did not, family. I did not know if he would ever kill me, like he said. He did some awful things, like violate me; I didn't want anyone ever to touch me that way again if I was going to die from giving myself to anyone. He would force me to do some of this dealing and other things I still cannot say, simply because I'm not ready to. It is not like I never fought him, he was quite larger than me but I still moved him, like a rag doll.
He would call me "John Dear," when I would fight back. I figured it was fine I took the pain and he would leave my family alone. He would not hurt them, as long as he could hurt me, which is why I kept silent. I could not take anyone being hurt because of me.
He hated that I took care of my mom, my niece, and cared for my brother in his dialysis stages. He almost killed me for wanting to give my brother one of my kidneys. He could not understand the closeness I had with my sister. Mostly he hated that I was and still am a "Daddy's girl." The monster would call me, "Cinderella," because I had to help my family. He was so screwed up mentally he thought that I had loved my dad sexually and that I was his slave.
That monster even tried to make me hold my tears, when one of the best men to ever grace my life with his presence died, my god father. He did, to an extent. I don't know if he saved me from a pain I don't know if I still fully understand, or even believe. Now days, my wounds run wild. I have no way to stop the spilling of my feelings.
What I found incredulous was the fact that my dad had a great deal of affection for the monster. When the day that relationship came to an end my hero's only words were, "Did you press charges?" I could not even find a tone of anger towards the monster in his voice. That is when it dawned on me that love did not exist. My hero had let me fall into my darkest day, while I waited for him to save me.
The barriers I put up would grow higher and thicker on the wall I had already built. Numb to the world I would shut out every emotion I had to find a way to move forward and never look back.
