Impossible Love

The Beginning

It was January the first in 2016 and something was changed. I looked at pictures of her like I always do, but something was different. Then I started thinking about one thing, "how much do I love her?". I kept on asking myself that question and after 15 minutes I finally got an answer. "I love her more than I love anyone else". That feeling wouldn't go away. I looked in her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes. I looked at her beautiful lips, her beautiful skin, and her beautiful face. I was telling myself many times "come on you may love your mom the most", but no I didn't I loved her the most, not my own family could I love more than her. I know this sounds crazy. She live in Los Angeles and she don't even know me, but this is how I feel. I know that she is older than me, but my heart doesn't know about age. I didn't just love her you know like you love your friends or your family. There was something else. I kept on looking at pictures. I started thinking about all the things that happen since I started loving her. She helped me through an hard time. She helped me stop cutting and helped me getting new dreams. Before I just dreamed about being pretty or perfect. I think it's because I was bullied in school. People kept on telling me that I was nothing worth and I just wanted to show them that I was something worth. I wanted to be really good at just one thing. It could be singing, dancing, swimming, football, art, or I could be really clever or really beautiful. At least now I don't want to be beautiful anymore. I doesn't need that. I don't have time for caring about what other people thinks. Even if they hate me or love me I wouldn't matter, because it wouldn't give me her. In one second my feelings changed. I wanted to kiss her. Oh I so damn wanted to kiss her. I didn't use to feel like this. This is new. So many things went though my head. Am I lesbian? Is this good or bad? I couldn't anymore. I kissed the picture of her and I went to bed. Next day when I woke up all I could think about was her. I wanted to kiss her. I love her. That day she was all I could think about. I was watching a movie with my family, but I don't even remember what I was about. I couldn't eat, my stomach hurts. I was sad and happy at the same time, I was confused. That night, when I went to bed I bought a picture of her on my iPad, not that I haven't done that before, but this time I was up all night, until 4am. I was so happy, I was waiting for this all day. It was pictures of her, but I made me so happy. I was laying there looking at pictures for hours. The next day's was kind of like that. A confusing and unhappy day and a happy late up night. It was hard. I was always tired and I couldn't think of anything else than her. One day I was going on a talk with a new school. I didn't really wanna go there, but I just went to the talk. I tried to listen, but all I could think about was her. Now I don't remember anything. Everybody asked "how was it?" and I was like I don't know. I couldn't say that all I could think about was her. They didn't understand me, they didn't knew how much I love her. When I went home that day I went out taking a bath, but I didn't turn out that well. When I'm in the shower I always thinks a lot and this time I was asking myself "witch of the schools do you wanna go to?" I didn't know the answer. If I went to the first school it would be like this, if I went to the second school it would be like this. None of the things would make me happy. What would make me happy? She would. She would make me the happiest girl on earth. She was all I wanted. I tried to find other things that I wanted too, but no. There was nothing else, she was the only thing I wanted in life. I was so sad. I've never been really happy, and now I finally found a person that could make me happy and then I can't get her. I can't get her.... This was too much. That night I ruined all she helped me through. I started cutting again. I didn't know what to do with my life and I just wanted to die. What was I living for. I wasn't happy and I couldn't be happy so why live? It may sounds crazy to do this because of a woman I love, but I swear this is true, this is how I feel. I've got this kind of feeling before, but now it's different, everything is different. Normally when I'm thinking about killing myself I wanted to do it in front of all the people who hurts me or who told me that the world would be better without me, but now I just want to get away from here, I don't care where. Those feeling kept on being there. It was for a long time. I was starting at the new school and it was so hard to handle it all. It was hard to sit there with a lot of people who don't know you and you just wanted to die. But I couldn't die. Every time I was thinking about bringing a rope or pills I was thinking, no, no I can't do this while she still lives. I wanted to see her grow up, get married, get pregnant, get a kid, be a part of a family. I wanted to see all that and much more. I couldn't kill myself. I was starting writhing at this point. It could be letters to her that I never send or poems for her. I like this one, "Her eyes make me fall crazy in love, her smile light up my whole world, her skin is beautiful just like silk, her hair is the most beautiful hair in the world and she makes me want to kiss her." I was so happy and sad at the same time, but even if I was at the saddest point, her smile could always make me smile. My life was confusing and sad, and I didn't want this life. I wanted another life. I wanted to live with her, wake up to her beautiful smile, kiss her beautiful lips. It was my biggest dream, I didn't want anything else. I started to get pictures in my head of me and her kissing in the rain, kissing in the sun, and I wanted it so so much, every time I got those pictures in my head and I know that it's never gonna happen, I got so much pain in my stomach. I don't know why. I just wanted to lay in my bed under my quilt. I started thinking about all the different things that could happen if I met her, if I kissed her. Some of the things made my stomach hurt, I don't know why my stomach hurts, but it does, other made me cry. Every time I look at here a part of my heart breaks, and it never heals, but I still do it, because I love her, the problem is that I don't know when the last part is breaks. I bought a necklace, a silver heart with her name on. I loved wearing it. It made me feel safe. It made it easier to stop caring about what people thought about me. People didn't understand my feelings and I could never tell them the right way. It was hard. Everybody where like "I guess you're a big fan", and I'm like "I'm not just a fan, I love her, I love her.."