Dear First Ever Love,
A year ago it was our three month anniversary, it's hitting me kinda hard tonight. I know exactly a year ago I was up at this hour, snapchatting you, telling you happy three months. I remember the exact moment. We wrote long paragraphs back and forth that night, we were so thankful to have each other.
I lost you. I lost you in February this year and let me tell you it was the stupidest thing I'd ever done. I think about you all the time, late at night. I think about those words I said that had broke us apart. I think about all the times that I ever doubted you and I wasn't doubting you, I was doubting myself. I truly think I did love you, it was a short amount of time but I wish it could've been longer. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, I was stupid enough to let that out of my fingertips.
As I sit here writing this late at night, you're probably sound asleep, dreaming of your new crush. I know you probably like her. You post lots of selfies with her, and you hang out. She's good for you. You have a lot in common and she's more your type. I guess I just could never live up to that. Every time you snapchat something with her, or post something, I get extremely jealous, I don't know why. I guess I still miss you a lot.
My friend told you back in summer that I still liked you, that was 100% true, but you said you were so busy and whatnot. I tried talking to you again, picking up where we left off but you pushed me away so damn fast and that hurt like a bitch. Maybe if you knew I never wanted to hurt you, that I never wanted to lose a great friend, a best friend, maybe you would think differently of me and my actions. Maybe you would want to be with me again. Maybe I'm really overestimating all these maybe's.
To my first love, I wish you could know what goes through my mind when I think of you. I wish you could see that just 10 minutes ago as I was lying down with my eyes closed, I was thinking of every good moment we had. Every edit I ever made of our pictures, or that a now ex-friend made. I remember specifically one picture my friend took, it was January. Close to the end. We were holding hands, and I remember before you left, you looked at me, remind you this is after we got back together after you broke up with me once, and I kissed your cheek and you said "I've missed you too much for just a kiss on the cheek." Butterflies whirled in my stomach and our lips collided.
Damn do I miss that.
I remember the first time we kissed, it was raining light out, and it was by a tree. I remember you walking off with a smile, and your friend texting me telling me you wouldn't stop smiling. I remember that so vividly, you know why? I couldn't stop smiling either.
I remember the first time we broke up. My friend and I were talking about how great it is to be free, to be on our own, flirt with who we wanted. Most of the time when we broke up, I couldn't last for more than a day. But that night I remember you telling your friend to come over, I remember him sending me texts saying how much you were upset that we broke up. I remember crying myself to sleep because I thought I did something unfixable. I remember hugging you the next day and asking if we could go back to before.
I remember so much more about our small time of perfection, but sadly I'm getting tired. I know there will be future letters to you, I feel it in my gut. But my stomach aches with my heart tonight and I think I just need to close my eyes for a few hours. Thoughts of you have already taken up half of my night, I'm hoping sleep will take up the other. I just need to get one more thing out of my head for tonight...
I remember when I liked a tbh picture after we broke up. It sent butterflies through my stomach. I still have it saved this day. I won't ever bring myself to delete it. "We've had so many great times together. But things just weren't meant to be I guess. You're truly an amazing girl, and some lucky guy is going to treat you like you're the only girl in the world. You're smart, nice, beautiful in every which way and I hope the best for you." You know... I hope we talk through things one day, because the only lucky guy I want treating me this way is you.....
Sincerely.
💔Me
