Way to Speak Out

Me and The Girl

What will i do here? In the blank of paper

Okay... this is my story- no, I mean my choice to speak out.

By the way, let you guys know me first. My name is Magenta Steinfeld. But you guys can call me Maggie. I'm in second year of Applied Economics in one of popular university in Antwerp, Belgium. And talking about my personalities, I think I'm such a secured girl. I don't really like tell about my whole life to others. I have my own world and there are things that had been my best. They are my laptop and headphone. What i write is all of my experiences, not only mine, maybe also people experiences that i see and what i hear is what my feeling reflect to. That's me...

Today is about love. Honestly, love story is a kinda mainstream reading material. But the reason why i write about what i called mainstream, because sometimes it's fun. Soof! My love story in high school was just a tragic one. But i will tell you about it later. This is about when i'm in the first year of being student in my lovely college. In that time i felt so in love with a guy. Hmm let me correct, not love but just crush on. I think 'love' is a deep word to represent my felling. So I will use 'crush'...

I know him from one of social media. I contacted him first to get something that i wanted to know. So it was a truly business at first. After i got all of that i need, we still keep it going. By the way, he is older than me and i could say that he is good guy. That was why i enjoyed our conversation. We chatted almost every day, talked about anything. We shared about ourselves, like our daily life, family, favorite and hated things, even about our love story in the past. We had the same story about it. PITIABLE. Hahahaha when the notification of message came in my phone, I always hope that it was him. I didn't feel anything about him at first. I regarded him as a chatting- friend. And i was sure that nothing will grew up of that. But unlucky me, because of day by day he treated me as well, my defense wall already shattered. I got crush on him. I really did.

One night, I just came home from a meeting in my faculty. It was about 11 pm. I took a shower for a while, then checked my phone. There was a message from him,

Maggie, I think i like you..

I was so shocked literally. I was also happy hear that he had the same feeling. So i texted him and told him that same here. The fact that I had the same feeling. He replied,

So glad know that. But I don't want in a relationship right now. If you know what i mean..

I obviously knew it. I couldn't enforce or sue him anything. So we just kept chatting like usual, although sometimes he said sweet things to me, like called me bae. I always waited his messages, I couldn't stop smiling when i re-read our chat. Yep I got crush on him. This thing happened for 3 months, although sometimes he became cold, strange, and ignorant. But I always accept it like used to. Until November came, November in pain. One day- I forgot about the date, I chatted him. Indeed i often chatted him first. I know that it's not good act for girls. But can you guys hold on when he replied your chat in hours later, even not replied you? Can you just wait? I could wait, but not long. Well... we chatted as usual, he asked what i was doing, until i don't know how can he suddenly said that,

Hey, I crush on someone..

At the time, honestly i didn't think that i was that one, like he ever told me that he liked me. I had bad feeling, and it came true. I asked him about the detail. I tried to cover my disappointment with some curious questions. He explained me so clear. He said that, the girl who named Emmy McFall was his friend and he was getting closer to her since a month ago. He told me about his activity with that girl like he didn't know that there was a pity girl who confused about what he did, a foolish girl who just could cry.

Damn! What did he mean with a month ago? We had already kept in chat- if you know what i mean. It's really hurt.. I can't believe that he did it. I believe him before.

So i took a conclusion that he liked two girls at the same time. I asked his confirmation about that, and he said yes. I was so upset and angry, but i realized that i had no right of him.

We are not in a relationship at all. We are just chatting-friend, hahaha i just realize it right now. I sobbed a night and my mood was in really down badly for some days. Maybe he treated all of people like that, so well. So I'm just one of that people who is treated, and worse i took it deep

But, I just have some questions...

Like everyone said that women use their feeling and men had the logic. So if you got well-treatment, pleasing conversation and good times from a man, and it happened for long enough time. What would you feel? Would you just regard it a pure friendship?

Then, if you know that the man who you like straightened the fact which is he like 2 girls at the same time, is it wrong to disappointed? Is it wrong to cry? Is it wrong to try to stay away?

And last, when you've been trying to stop your feeling and you know that you definitely failed. Can i keep this kind of shameful feeling? I'll try to move forward. But you know? It's not as simple as i crush on him. It needs time, long enough time...

I just.. I just confused what should I do. Maybe you guys can give me consideration about it. Should i keep our 'friendship' or should i keep a distance? Hmm.. or you have others option.