Diary Of A Depressed Black Girl

Not Black Enough

I'm a really fucking quiet person. Before I was homeschooled, I could go a while day with saying barely a sentence. Literally. When I got home, it always took me a few minutes to get used to talking again. It's ridiculous.
I wasn't always like this, but I've always been shy. We all know the things you're told if you're quiet.
"Oh mah God, y donchu tawlk?"
"Juss tawlk. 'Tis not hard at'all."
"U shuld tawlk mor"
"U always lyke dis?"
I realize these may come from a sincere place, but when you're asked that question every day, for several years, its like "Really, bitch? Why the fuck do you talk so much then?!?" Neither is better than the other.
I remember in middle school, we were outside for PE and I overheard some girls talking and staring at me. Not even whispering because FUCK being polite, right?
"Why doesn't she talk ghetto like us" one said.
"Maybe cause she's not ghetto?"
And I'm literally watching them while they're saying this. Like they're literally 7 feet away from me saying this and I'm just standing there flabbergasted, like the fuck? Like, bruh! I could read your fucking lips, that's how close you are. If I can decipher what the fuck you're saying without volume, then you're too damn close to be talking, bruh.
They only asked that because I went to a Black school. Like 99 percent Black. Black as fuck. I was literally one of the handful of quiet Black people there. I would even go as far to say that I could out quiet all them niggas, but whatever.
Anywho, I find nothing wrong with being "ghetto". As long as you aren't fucking with someone else's day, then be yourself. If being yourself is being "ghetto" and people have a problem with it, fuck em. Figuratively and literally fuck every last one of them. Just be sure you ask for consent first. If they say no, then you can get away with just figuratively fucking em and their opinions.
There's also nothing wrong with being quiet. The way you act largely depends on where you grew up at. I legit remember being in third grade and hearing my classmates say things like "I been did that" and me picking it up and using it around my parents. My mom was like "that's not correct English, though bruh" and I was like ohhhhhhhhhhh.
I wasn't sheltered or anything. I had a speech impediment when I was younger so I had to take classes for it up until the 2md grade. Maybe that's why it was so serious to her. Because I was like "I don't say it in school or nothing just home, tho" and she was like "nah nigga repeat after me. I've already done this. Not I been did that, the fuck?" Note she ain't really talk like that, but it's for humor and whatever the fuck.
Now I always talk like that, to be honest.
Just because I don't talk as much as you or act "ghetto" like you do, doesn't mean I'm not acting Black. There was legit a rumor that I was Mexican or Jewish or Muslim or some shit in middle school. Me being quiet started a few fucking rumors on what nationality and religion I was!!! What the actual fuck!?! Is it really hard to believe that i'm a Black American girl who happens to not be "ghetto"? Come on. Humans are complex beings. There's not one way to these things. There never is.
There's no one way to "act Black". If you're Black and you have your own unique personality, you're already acting Black and that's fucking awesome! Be yourself and realize that you being a quiet Black girl doesn't mean you're any "less Black". It's like saying albino Black people aren't Black because they lack melanin. Bruh, you can't take away genes with looks and the way you act. Nigga, you still Black.
You're probably thinking "you ghetto as fuck" and if you are, I would say why does me expressing myself have to be labeled as a negative? Why is being "ghetto" a negative term in the first place! In real life and unless I'm around my friend(yes, singular....), i don't talk like this. I did pick up some things from her and kids at school, much how accents and dialects work in the first place. It's called code switching.
I really only express myself online like this. Why? Because I can do whatever the fuck I want and I like saying "fuck", so fuck it.
Yes. I'm extremely quiet and introverted in real life, but in here I'm different because I don't get to express myself like this is real life. It's an escape from the bullshit I go through on the daily. A coping mechanism. I'm just showing you how much of a difference my online self is vs. my real life self. Completely. Fucking. Different. Don't feel bad for it. Humans are complex, there nothing more to it.
If you're Black and are extremely outgoing, never ask why another Black person isn't. Being Black doesn't mean we're all really talkative. We get asked these things so much just because we're Black and its tiring. You never know, that person can be socially anxious and you just fucked their whole day up. Some of them are gonna go to sleep thinking about it for the next week. Well done. Don't feel bad, just stop doing that if you do.

Black people with mental illnesses, please feel free to give me more topics to rant on about specific issues a lot of us face.
Oh and thanks for reading :)