Out of Time [Brian Jones]

19th Nervous Breakdown

*
Well, it seems to me that you have seen
Too much in too few years
And though you've tried, you just can't hide
Your eyes are edged with tears
*

"Why you?"

I looked to the side. Brian. He was leaning against the outside of the bar, observing me with curious eyes and cigarette in hand, at least I thought it was one.

"I ask myself the same question a million times a day..."

"You're nothing. You don't look any more special than the next door bird, you're quiet... Just nothing... Why?" Normally his words wouldn't really have affected me, but I was feeling so low... I never could have a normal life, friends, a partner or anything... because I was the way I was and he just needed to rub it into my face...

"You're an awful person, no wonder death is going to take you." I know it was low, but he really was acting like an asshole and I had worried over him, only to be offended in the end? Thanks.

His demeanour changed in the blink of an eye. He stiffed and looked panicked. "So you do know...?"

I shook my head. "Alcohol and drugs take their toll on everyone, sooner or later. You're no exception."

He moved towards me and looked directly at me. "Stop messing with me! I... just don't..." He grabbed my arm and mumbled on, but I couldn't hear it. I was at the bottom of a pool, trying to breath without success, then it went all dark. 03071969. "Don't take my soul away..."

"Sorry what? Your soul?" I exclaimed. What was he thinking?

"You're a demon, aren't you?" He looked so afraid, but I couldn't do anything other than laugh. A demon? Really? "Stop laughing." He mumbled and I really forced myself to.

"I'm no demon and surely not here for your soul."

He seemed to calm down a bit, but still looked a bit suspicious of me and neither did his grip lessen on me. "But you... I don't understand. There's something about you."

I sighed. "We all have our own demons haunting us. Some are stronger than others..."

"What did you do?"

"Why do you want to know? You don't care about me or anything! You thought I was a demon for heaven's sake I... I no I'll need to go." I pushed him away and just run off. I know it was wrong to just leave, but it was just too much. My visions, Mary, the Stones and Brian. I just needed a break, to get away from everything. It pained me I really was enjoying myself. Finally I had something normal in my life, but it just reminded me so much more how different I actually was. They were famous musicians, but they had more normality in their life than I ever could. They didn't see their friends die whenever they touched them nor did they have to live with the knowledge. They could live in the moment and not somewhere in between now and death.

I had promised myself that I would stay away from people, only to throw that out of the window when Mary came around and what now? I felt worse than before. I knew what was on the other side, but could never be a part of that, because I was different. Maybe Brian was right and I was a demon. I laughed out load. I probably sounded hysteric, but I didn't care. Nothing really did. I had nothing. My laugh soon turned into sobs and my legs gave in. My knees scratched up on the rough surface and I just sat there and cried in the middle of the city with no idea where I exactly was. I thought I was stronger, but I had no energy left to get up. The alcohol probably didn't help at this point. I couldn't remember how much I've had, but surely more than enough considering the state I was in.

I was too far gone and I needed help desperately, but there was no one. Mary and the others didn't even know that I was gone and- No I don't need anybody. I should be on my own... I tried to calm down, because there was no one going to rescue me and I was all I had. I breathed in and out and just concentrated on that. I had no idea how long it took me to calm down to a level I could actually get up and just try to walk on, but I finally did it. I resumed my walk still not really knowing where I actually was heading to. I just went on. The night was peaceful and surprisingly warm for November. Perhaps if I hadn't been so down or at least sober, I might even have enjoyed walking around.

I sighed. I was in the middle of some bridge and just stopped. It was pointless, I couldn't just keep on walking. I needed to think, but I just couldn't... And even if I did get home what then? Quite my job, sell everything and run away? I couldn't get away from death. I really was damned.

Maybe that was the answer? I mean if I was no longer there I couldn't cause any more deaths or anything. Could I really just...? Was that perhaps my fate? Would that explain why I never knew how or when I was going to die, because I was the one to end it?

With shaky legs I moved to the railing and put one leg over it. I didn't know if I really could go along with it, but I didn't really see what other choices I had. No matter what I did, I couldn't get rid of this curse and neither could I live with it. I just sat there for a few minutes and looked over the water. Would it really kill me? I mean I was not the best swimmer and I probably was drunk enough to sink like a stone, but the water looked so peaceful like it couldn't hurt a fly. How could it kill me then? I shook my head. This was stupid anyway, this couldn't solve anything... I should move on, get back to the street and find my way back home. I was about to put my leg back over the railing, when I slipped. I tried to hold onto something with my hands, but I grabbed just air.

My first thought was that it was cold, when I hit the water.

It was wet too, but the coldness was the first thing that I really noticed, then the absence of air. I couldn't breath and it hurt. It hurt like hell. I tried to struggle, but it seemed futile. My clothes were so heavy and the alcohol didn't really help either. Every move hurt more and after a few more tries I just closed my eyes.

I felt something engulf me and I felt more suffocating and water, but I was hardly conscious enough to wonder about it. The force seemed to pull me up, but I only could be wrong or was death so cruel to rescue me, when I finally had found a way to escape my curse? I nearly laughed, but couldn't. I hardly had enough energy left to stay conscious. I just felt numb and so very pained. Not even the alcohol seemed to make a difference.

That's when all went black.

Thanks for reading, voting and commenting!

The "suicide attempt" or whatever you might call it might be a bit cliche, but I didn't think about that until I had written it. It actually was a mean to show a negative side effect of drinking to much. Some get really aggressive, others are just fun and there are some who get really depressed and I thought Charlie seemed more likely to fit into the last category, especially on a bad day. She is rather someone who bottles up their feelings and is overwhelmed by them, when they do get out. That's why it is in there and that's also why she changes her mind about jumping. She doesn't really want to die, she's just drunk and unhappy. I'm not sure I got that message out clear enough in the chapter, because of the narrator, Charlie, not being really in a state to explain something reasonable. lol Sorry for rambling on.

Ohh and sorry if it is a lot shorter than the usual chapters, but this was actually part of the last chapter, which was already long enough...

Well, here's the preview for chapter 7:

"I don't know what you think of me, but I don't walk around letting people die..."

I sighed. "Yeah you don't..." and started coughing again.

"Listen, I'm sorry about before... I don't know sometimes I just get like this and then you run off and I had to go after you..." He sighed. "I'll better get you home or to a doctor or anywhere... If we stay any longer here we'll probably catch death."

He put my arm around his shoulders and I mumbled "Here we go again." Water. Suffocating. Death. "Death's already here."