My Dearest Tim,
I am sorry, I guess that is how I should start things out.. You know how much I love you, but you also know that our love would crumble eventually, but before you ask the question, I'll tell you why I can no longer be with you, even though my heart will always belong in your hands. I just want you to know that this has nothing to do with you, I am simply struggling with confusion and need to focus on me, but you as well as all the others I have left behind need to know the full story, so lets start from the beginning my love.
I don't know if you could tell that my behavior was strange or if you had noticed anything at all, but one day a strange man had walked up to me and told me something I will never forget, but for now i'll keep that to myself.
With his words lodged in my brain I could not focus, I became restless, and in a heated fashion I'd jump out of bed in the middle of the night and cry, I was not crying because of something you had done, I was crying because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the strange man's voice out of my head. Some nights I know you heard me, and I also know that you were very much worried about me, and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner.
But my dear, this could not be helped, me leaving was inevitable. So for your sake and everyone that I hold close to my heart, do not blame yourself for my decisions, I had no choice.
Day after day I would beg and plead that his voice would go away, that I could have my peace of mind back. But it never did, and it never will. only a few weeks after the meeting I had encountered with the man, I felt like I was going insane, and I know that all men, even one as kind as you, only has so much patience for the mentally unstable. Perhaps you would have excepted me, or maybe you would have tried to help me, but as I said before, this could not be helped, I was living in fear of myself.
Although I can not express how much I long for your touch, for your warm brown eyes to look into mine one last time.
I had the world, I had you, family, everything anyone would ever want. But that man, what he had said changed me. I was becoming, dangerous, I was a threat to myself, and to others, and I knew from the moment that you looked at me different, I was gone, I could see it in your eyes that you had lost me already, just like I had lost myself.
So maybe me leaving had no effect on you, perhaps you are reading this and the paper is not wet from your tears, perhaps you are laughing because I was foolish to believe that after what I had done, that you could ever forgive me. And if what I speak is true, then I don't blame you.
I could see the terror in your eyes every night when I close mine, the way you shivered, the way you looked at me as if I was a monster. Perhaps I am a monster.
I'm the type of monster that no one would suspect, that no one would notice if they just up and left. But I know that after seeing the mess I had made in our living-room, that you were scared of me, that you couldn't look at me for more than a single heart beat. Because you where afraid that I would do the same to you.
But I would never hurt you my love, I would never even dream of it. That is why I'm writing this, to maybe ease the pain a little bit, to lessen your worry, and your sadness.
You don't have to live in fear, now that I am gone you can dream again. That is all I wanted, to dream again, Tim don't you see, I couldn't dream with his voice echoing in my head everyday, all the time.
I just wanted to dream, and to do that, he, the man he had to go, it was the only way that I could ever find peace.
I am not the monster that you saw hunched over the man's dead cold body, that was not me, my love. That was a women that I couldn't even dream of being, but yet I still did it, I killed the real monster.
Tim, I did this for the right reasons, and I left for the obvious ones. I just want you to know, that is worked, I can dream again Tim, my love, I see you all the time in them, I feel you, hear you. Although what the man had said to me, no longer echos, I will still never forget those words, these words.
"You are a monster."
