Because of her

Chapter 1: Raven's Divulgence

Because of Her

Chapter 1: Raven's Divulgence 2

Raven's POV

It was a silent evening in the tower considering that all of the Titans were soundly asleep, or at least I assumed so. Quite odd considering how early it is. There wasn't a sound to be made, which was highly unusual to happen when you live with individuals such as Beastboy and Cyborg. I won't complain, I love silence. It was thunder storming outside. I could hardly relax long enough to sleep, I had too many obstructive thoughts on my mind. Not only that but I truly hate thunder storms, they give me a familiar feeling of the wars back on Azarath. I would say it's safe to agree that I suffered from mild PTSD.

I was sitting at the head of my bed with my legs curled up beneath my ribcage, arms crossed, staring at the wall that stayed just across the room from me. All I could do was think. I knew what the root of my weariness was but as prideful as I am, I refused to acknowledge it. I stared so long that I didn't realize how much time had actually gone by. I peered at my clock that rested on my nightstand just to my left.

"1:03 a.m."

I got out of bed and paced over to my bookshelf in search of my journal. I was honestly embarrassed to have owned such a girly thing. Everyone who knows me knows that I don't do feelings. But that was simply because I am imprisoned by my own powers and can't allow my body to feel such intensities. I feel as though the best way to keep my alternative selves safe in my mind is to write down what I feel deep down yet can't express. That way I can relieve their urges to break free.

I finally found my journal. Grabbing it, I made my way back to my bed. I reached into the nightstand and retrieved my black quill pen and ink. Overwhelmed, it was difficult to initiate the thoughts that flew so rapidly through my head. I took a deep breath and let my pen take its course. My hand was so tense that I nearly bent the tip of my pen as it hit the paper. Heavy handedly I started to write, applying just about the same pressure on my pen that was weighing me down.

"Dear Journal, 6/03

I can't help but to feel ail over the reality that Beastboy is dating Terra now. They've been dating since Valentine's Day and ever since then I haven't been able to focus or pursue even the most simple of tasks throughout my day. I haven't been able to eat properly. I haven't been able to sleep. I haven't even been able to do the one thing that literally keeps me sane, meditate. Because of this, my fighting style has not been the same. I find myself feeling weak and disconnected. When I see them together or the thought of them being together crosses my mind, my soul burns just a little more inside each time. I can't stand the fact that he belongs to her and not me. And I definitely can't stand seeing her touching all over him, having him. I could only imagine how deep my heart would drop if I ever found out that they've had sex. I will admit though, a great pain fills my bloodstream when I ponder about it.

It hurts that I've known Beastboy much longer than Terra yet he couldn't seem to find a single thing to love about me. I know that I'm always cold towards him, but in my defense I can't afford to feel any strong emotions towards anything. Everyone in the tower knows that, especially Cyborg and Beastboy considering that they've been inside of my mind once before. Beastboy should know that I don't mean the things that I say and do. He should know that my condescension, my anger, my lack of patience and my attitude stems from the solitary confinement of this cage that has been bestowed around me mentally and emotionally. I consistently live with the burden of holding back and the fear of what would happen if I don't. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever hurt any of the ones I love because of my lack of control.