The Good Morning Wars (Preview)

He was staring me down from across the table. I didn't even have to look up at him to know. I couldn't face him, not right now at least. My emotions would get the best of me if I did. But I could feel his eyes boring into the top of my head as I gazed down at my shoes.

"Why?" He finally spoke, the silence broken by the question I knew would come eventually. He sounded so betrayed. I almost felt bad. But if this hurt him... he deserved it.

"Why what?"I knew perfectly well what he was asking. I just wanted to hear him say it. 

"Why did you run away?" Silence. I couldn't explain, even if I wanted to. He wouldn't understand. He slammed his hand on the table, making me jump and stare up at him.

"Answer me, damn it! Why the hell would you just leave like that?" Tears were streaming down his cheeks. He sunk back down into his chair, burying his head in his hands. 

"Do you know how worried I was?" The sound of his voice was muffled, but I could still make out the accusation and hurt in his voice. 

"I... I was just done."

"What the hell does that mean?" I ignored him, and continued.

"The more I sat around, the more it all piled up. Depression. And I started to realize I hate who I am. Not myself, really. Just who I am. Because deep down, I'm just plain miserable. Not exactly for a reason. I have family, a good life, talent. I'm successful, for the most part. So... I'm just realizing thats who I am. I crave un-happiness. Like I enjoy it or something. And I despise that." I could never fully explain it. Some things were just wordless. But if he wanted me to try, I would

"This is my fault... isn't it?" He looked so helpless. And I had a sudden realization, sudden clarity.

"Funny... but I don't think it is, Taylor. I think... being with you help distract me from myself. But once I didn't have you... I had no way to hide or deny that whatever pain that was building up was finally taking over... and I just broke. And I realized I'm not what I want to be. I'm alone. No one wants to hear me. I'm useless. All I do is mope. The harder I try to change, the more I sink back into my shell. And I don't know how much longer I can take it. Sometimes I lay in bed at night, wishing I could leave, and that maybe wherever I left to, things would be better there, and I could finally stop being me. So... I did." I let out a breathe I didn't realize I had been holding in. I looked up at him, and he leaned over, wiping at the tears steadily streaming from my eyes with his thumb. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but just closed it again.

I just looked down at my feet. I had never opened up. There was a reason I never opened up. I hardly heard the sound of his chair scooting away from the table, I was too pre-occupied with my own thoughts. I wished I was back in the woods. I could escape myself there.

"I love you, Emma." I felt his strong arms wrap around me, and he kissed my head as I began to cry again, the warm wet drops hitting my hand as I tried to catch them. 

"Don't push it..." I murmured. And he just laughed, muttering my name into my hair over and over again before growing quiet. We stayed that way for a while, and I somehow knew things were going to get better.